System Shock: Reloaded, revolved, reduxed and, at long last, resumed

[niko_cee]

So, where were we? Here's a quick recap for the confused and bewildered.

*Warning - it won't help*

Natch - and there was me thinking I could do the longest post ever, it seems it has too many images, so I'll have to break it up. My patience is already being tested.

[niko_cee]

Unfortunate, uninteresting and untouchable; the life and times of Vitaly Bitzdropov . . .

Born on the 4th of April 1976, in the western reaches of the ever expaning Soviet empire, young Vitaly enjoyed his formative years, playing football in the warming shadow of the local energy concern. Indeed, unbeknownst to him at the time, he would look back in the not too distant future at these salad days, and view them as the best of his life. Unfortunately for little Vitaly his rollercoaster of communist headonism derailed on his tenth birthday, with spectular effect, whilst playing football with his comrades, once again, in the increasingly warm shadow of the local energy concern. Exposed to dangerous levels of radioactive bric-a-brac, these youngsters faced a bleak future. Some grew freakishly strong, and would become heavyweight boxers. Some, possessing great speed, became athletes and footballers of great repute. Most got bald, got yellow and got abnormally oderous. Forced from his home at an early age, with a limp, a stutter and an aroma all his own, life was tough for glow-in-the-dark Vitaly. Having moved east with his family, following a number of dead-end jobs, Vitaly, one fine, post-Soviet day, happened upon his calling in life; he became a leisure centre gimp, with responsibility for cleaning, maintenance and other gimpworthy practices. He enjoyed his meagre existence at the Borodyanka SportComplex, following the local team from the shadowy recesses of his maintenance hut. Years of mediocrity drove even the most loyal fans from the stands, until only Vitaly was left. With things at a low eb, the chairman decided to court publicity in an attempt to popularise the team, with drastic measures. The incumbent manager was sacked, and banking on the loyalty of the many degenerate mutants in the town, it was decided that Vitaly would take control. Here follows the details of his time at the helm of Systema-Borex Borodyanka . . .

[niko_cee]

http://img25.exs.cx/img25/2496/Thebadge.gif

... and I also solemnly swear to uphold the proud traditions of this place, including fulfilment of my duties regarding the skewering of geese with the ceremonial lance, from under the cover of the ceremonial bushes.

And with that Vitaly Bitzdropov was inducted into the hallowed halls of the Borodyanka SportComplex, in the presence of the chairman, Homeless Oligarch, and, of slight concern, the director of football, Reprobate Relative. Yes, we have a threadbare coaching staff, but a director of football...

A pleasant surprise was to come at the training ground - 'good facilities'. Shame the incumbent staff aren't quite at the same level yet...

Kitbag - 42 year old coach - a decent all-rounder. Can coach all players to a competent level, has a good eye for talent and a panache (or is that predilection) for working with youngsters. A surprisingly blemish free CV to boot.

Gymnastixman - 55 year old coach - formerly a prominent figure in the Soviet gymnastics programme, now nothing more than a shady local who the kids are told to keep away from. A good working knowledge of performance enhancing drugs makes up for his numerous shortcomings - he'll be in charge of physical development and falling over practice.

I am Lugash! - 53 year old physio - leading exponent of the 'run it off' school of injury treatment; if that doesn't work, he's all out of ideas. Known for using pet abduction as an incentive to recovery, and turning all creatures into cats.

Incognito - 45 year old scout - is lost without his former KGB masters. Tends to get highly agitated if you notice him, prides himself on his ability to disappear into the background. Has no ostensible qualities in regards of footballing matters. Runs good recon ops against opposition teams though; can be trusted to lose luggage, set off fire alarms and run general interference against 'the enemy'.

Up next, a meet and greet with the players in the palatial surrounds of the local soup kitchen.

[niko_cee]

In the ghetto
On a cold and grey Borodyanka morn another little baby child is born
In the ghetto. In the ghetto.
And his momma cried.
Cause if there's one thing that she don't need is another little hungry mouth to feed.
In the ghetto. In the ghetto.

Time to meet the playing squad...

Keeper - yep, that's a singular - Is Cat Now! - 20 UKR GK - it matters not greatly what I think as he is the only keeper we have, the coaches seem to rate him as having good potential, but, to be honest, their recommendation is probably a bad thing.

Defenders

Super Lev - 29 UKR DR/L - Oh yes, he's a fullback. Hopefully his experience will make up for his statistical shortcomings, again both coaches are mad for him, I have no idea why.

Unbreakable Union - 29 UKR DR - Another ageing, but less versatile fullback. Continuing a proud tradition of dump fullbacks. What the coaches think? They love him, obviously.

Iron Curtain - 21 UKR DL - He's young, he works hard, he has no talent. He's the archetypal fullback. The coaches don't go so mad for him, which is worrying as he looks like the best player I've seen so far - this is not saying much mind you. The potential is there, what for, I'm uncertain.

Radioactive Defect 38 - 28 UKR DL/C - He's a good passer. Other than that he is awful. The coaches are split, one loves him, the other is less exuberant.

Cagey Bee - 16 UKR DC - A youth player! Good physical abilities, the technical side of his game needs substantial improvement, but, he's young, he'll learn, maybe. Both coaches see him as one for the future.

Hunger Strike - 19 UKR DC - It's hard to find something good to say about this guy. He's quite good at jumping. My worries continue as I am told by the coaching staff that he has firmly established his credentials as a member of the first team.

Passive Resistance - 23 UKR DC - Quick, brave and strong. What's more 'marking' is not an entirely alien concept to him. One coach loves him, the other thinks he has potential, at this stage I'm guessing he'll be starting.

Midfielders

Kremlin Gremlin - 23 UKR MR - Not at all bad, although, I am always slightly sceptical of right-sided players who can only kick with their left foot. The coaches see him as a first-teamer.

Lino's Assistant - 24 UKR MR - A star player on the overview, and looks good, well, as good as can be expected at this level. The coaches are keen admirers, some kind of restraining order may be necessary.

Operation Human Shield - 18 UKR MR - Yet another right-winger. Somewhat lacking in technical skills, but he's an aggressive little bugger. With some work he could grow into a decent player. The coaches see him as a firmly established first-teamer, I'm not so certain.

Some One's Attractive Cousin - 17 UKR MR - This is just getting silly now. Yet another right-winger. Is this what radioactive fallout does? Again, he's reasonable, but his opportunities in his preferred role are going to be limited. The coaches think he is starting to show his worth to the club, even at such a young age.

Cheap Copy - 29 UKR ML/C - Has a good left foot, and can whip in a mean cross. Unfortunately, he has none of the other skills necessary in football. A useful squad-filler, you know something's up when even the coaches don't rate him.

Baltimora - 26 UKR MC - A solid looking midfielder, with a penchant for rangey efforts, sees himself as a bit of a deadball expert. The coaches see him as a first teamer, they're probably right on this one.

Jumping Jack Shit - 25 UKR MC - A hard worker, with a range of, below average, abilities. The coaches are avid fans, I do not share their enthusiasm.

Raining Rope - 32 UKR MC - Has some good skills, although the physical side of his game is fading. Hopefully he can aid in the development of some of the younger players. The coaches think he still has his best years ahead of him, here's hoping.

Ichi the Killer - 24 UKR AMC - Another of the so-called star players. He has good pace, a range of moderate abilities and takes a mean penalty. The coaches love him, but are they just believing the hype?

Attackers

Mesmerino - 22 UKR FR/C - Alarmingly short of strength and pace, but appears to be mentally tough and is, by repute, an excellent finisher. The coaches see him as an established first-teamer.

Crazy Ivan - 27 UKR FC - The final star player, I'm not sure how he has attained this accolade. Is a good crosser and penalty-taker, but lacks basic abilities such as finishing. Some decent physical stats, nothing special though. Hopefully he will perform above his apparent talent and live up to his star billing. The coaches think he's just super.

Capitalist Pigdog - 26 UKR SC - Looks strong in the air. Less accomplished on the deck. Unsurprisingly the coaches adore him, they have dangerously low standards.

Dusky Brown Lemur - 24 UKR SC - Diminutive, but technically strong. Looks to be a bit of a coward. A fair-weather player in the depths of Eastern Europe, joy. The coaches say he still has his best years ahead of him, they were unspecific as to whether they meant at the club, or even in the world of football.

Victor Sodyouraincoat - 25 UKR SC - A real team player. Has the desire and the ability to run all day. Tragically cursed with no technical ability. A classic headless chicken. The coaches once again cream their pants at the thought of him.

So, there you have it, the team. A motley crew to say the least. As for other matters, we have about £50k in the bank, half of that is available for transfers, the stadium has a capacity of 750 and we are expected to battle bravely against relegation. My primary action areas are to get in an assistant who I can delegate as much responsibility as possible to and to get another scout who can actually spot footballing talent. And so it begins. . .

[niko_cee]

Huzzah! After a brief search I manage to locate a suitable patsy and swiftly appoint him as my assistant - Fall Guy - a 28-year-old Ukrainian with decent skills. I delegate the responsibility for arranging friendlies to him at once, but fear he has come too late for this season, I'll have to do it myself with the new season only a few weeks away and the team hopelessly out of shape. 24 days to get these muppets into line. Whilst in the office I tell Incognito to start running recon ops against upcoming opponents - and like that, he's gone.

The national newspapers are full of praise for the national team who draw with Spain 2-2 before beating Armenia and Greece 5-0 and 2-0 respectively. As of yet no Borodyanka folk feature in the national set-up. Whilst thumbing through the various pieces of salutatory nonsense I am suddenly aware that I am no longer alone. Prospective scout Judge & Jury has snuck in - obviously I underestimated the sneakiness. He seems to be what we are looking for, so is hired and immediately dispatched to root out talent within the Ukraine. To conclude a particularly productive morning I manage to arrange a few friendlies against teams in the same division, all 4 of them are at home, no travelling for us, yet. My mood is somewhat dampened when I show up at the training ground, where I am informed by Raining Rope that he intends to jack it in at the end of the season. Best years ahead of him my arse. That's at least wrong on the plural front, dickhead coaches, mutter mutter . . .

At the same training session I notice a new player, an interloper from a parallel dimension, a grey keeper, who is one of the worst players I have ever seen. He has no ability, the only thing he is good at is being erratic! Suffice to say he won't be playing, even if Is Cat Now! gets injured. I need a new keeper. I feel a loaner would be a good idea. But, no time now, it's time for the first match of pre-season, against Polissya. Incognito tells me they are a decent side, hard working and quick in attack. They also seem to have a striker who is much better than my entire team.

FC Systema v Polissya

93 brave souls turn out on a gusty day in the Borodyanka SportComplex. The starting line-up is comprised of - Is Cat Now, Super Lev, Iron Curtain, Passive Resistance, Radioactive Defect 38, Lino's Assistant, Kremlin Gremlin, Ichi the Killer, Baltimora, Mesmerino(skipper) and Crazy Ivan.

The game starts quickly and the air of friendliness soon disappears following a crunching challenge on Passive Resistance who is stretchered off with a badly bruised shin. He is replaced by Hunger Strike on 7 minutes. Just 2 minutes later we are one up. After a surge down the right flank by Super Lev the ball broke to Baltimora in the midfield, a good first touch and a sharp shot looked to have created nothing until their keeper spooned a relatively easy stop into the net 1-0. it is nearly 2-0 moments later when Ichi the Killer beats a few men for pace, only to shoot over from the top right of the box. Again Ichi the Killer is involved, breaking up play well, only for Lino's Assistant to launch a tame effort well over from way too far out on 20 minutes. After a good first half to the first half, the tide begins to turn in their favour. Their star FC forced a good save from Is Cat Now, who was in action soon after saving well from a freekick. As half-time looms the pressure becomes unbearable. Their FC scores, only for it to be chalked off by the Lino, he was offside. Another missed chance by them puts us in 1-up at half time.

Time to ring the changes, all the outfield players are subbed. On come Unbreakable Union, Some One's Attractive Cousin, Cagey Bee, Operation Human Shield, Cheap Copy, Jumping Jack Shit, Raining Rope(takes the armband), Dusky Brown Lemur and Victor Sodyouraincoat.

Soon after the restart they get the equaliser they were threatening to get, a high ball from the left, no marking, a simple header 1-1. It is evident this is the first game of pre-season for 2 very poor sides as things degenerate into a farce of poor control, misplaced passes and aimless long balls. On 60 minutes we threaten again, a scramble in the box after a good cross from Operation Human Shield. The pressure is back on us a few minutes later as they get a couple of presentable opportunities, both missed, both following defensive errors by Hunger Strike and Raining Rope respectively. We almost sneak a winner in the 84th minute when Raining Rope shoots just wide after good work from Cheap Copy down the left.

FT 1-1 - nobody played particularly well, MotM went to one of their lot.

Judge & Jury sets off on his scouting endeavours, any further action is thwarted by the next friendly emerging rapidly over the horizon.

FC Systema v Kremin

More wind, and fewer fans, 63 this time. The same starting XI is sent out. Incognito doesn't rate this lot much, they are competent but lack pace in attack. Nothing to do with him, or so he says.

I further doubt Incognito's abilities as they start very brightly, working a good opening on 8 minutes, a one-on-one which they miss, whilst our players are running about like the deranged headless chickens I feared they may transpire to be. Things take a turn for the better on 16 minutes, they comedically botch a freekick deep in their own half, allowing Crazy Ivan to put Mesmerino away through the middle, and it's 1-0 after a neat dink finish. Soon after scoring Mesmerino gets booked for leaving the boot in on one of their defenders. We continue to apply pressure, taking control of the game, and create a good opening on 31 minutes. Ichi the Killer and Super Lev link up well on the right, creating a chance for Mesmerino which he snatches at a little, putting it over from 15 yards out. Just before half-time we squander another good chance, Ichi the Killer and Kremlin Gremlin capitalise on their novel 'no defence' policy to put Crazy Ivan clear, only a good save keeps it at 1-0. Nothing comes from the corner and we hit half-time 1 to the good again.

The changes are rung again at half time with the second half side replacing all the outfield players, as in the first match.

We hit the ground running at the start of the second half, with Dusky Brown Lemur looking particularly bright. After a few failed attempts he manages to put Victor Sodyouraincoat clear in on goal on 48 minutes and although he looked offside the goal stands and it is 2-0 with a neat finish. We continue to control the game through midfield and it is not long before Dusky Brown Lemur once again links up with Victor Sodyouraincoat for number 3. After picking up on a flick on Victor Sodyouraincoat spins his man, who is much too tight and creates a shooting opportunity, beating the keeper at the near post for 3-0. Coasting, we start to take our foot off the gas a little. Jumping Jack Shit and Raining Rope continue to control the midfield creating openings for themselves and for Victor Sodyouraincoat who fails to take his chances to register a hatrick – missing a one-on-one and just over-hitting an audacious lob. We continue to apply pressure, but cannot score again and the match finishes without further incident.

FT 3-0 – a very satisfying and frankly unexpected result. Victor Sodyouraincoat picks up MotM with a strong performance, everyone else does all right.

After the game the transfer window re-opens, which paves the way for some devious loan shenanigans. A number of approaches are made for top division fodder on a ‘we pay you nothing, ever’ basis – the key area is a keeper as we only have one and he isn’t very good. I don’t hear anything back before the next pre-season fixture . . .

FC Systema v Spartak Ivano-Frankivsk

Once again the wind blows across the SportComplex, a few more fans, 83 this time, turn out to see a team that I suspect will do well this season – no not us, Incognito tells me that they are a good side, with a lot of pace in attack. From the fact that they have a 14000 seater stadium I suspect that they have the set-up needed to win promotion.. I can only hope that the facilities they have to endure here will throw them off. Once again, the same lot start.

Almost the perfect start when Crazy Ivan is sent clear in on goal after only 40 seconds, however, he is as surprised as I am and blitzes the chance well over. More promise soon after when Mesmerino takes a long ball from Radioactive Defect 38 spins his man well, he seems to be quite good at this, only to fire a shot just over from the edge of the box. His trickery comes good again on 14 minutes when he earns us a freekick 30 yards out. Baltimora steps up and whistles an absolute screamer over the wall, into the top corner for 1-0. The keeper barely moved, everyone is in a state of shock. Reacting to going 1 down, they step up the physicality. Kremlin Gremlin falls awkwardly on 22 minutes and is forced off with a damaged shoulder, he is replaced by Cheap Copy. On the half-hour Baltimora almost doubles our advantage, seeing a good effort from the edge of the box slide just wide, after the ball had broken to him from some defensive craziness on their part. I am pleased that their first effort on goal takes until the 37th minute to emerge, and it is a tame shot over the bar. One minute later we double our lead, Ichi the Killer picks up on a poorly worked throw-in by them and finds Mesmerino with a good pass, he, once again, gives his man the slip and finishes well from 12 yards out. As everything seems to be going so well we suffer a setback when Crazy Ivan pulls up on 42 minutes, he has done his groin and will be out for about 3 weeks. Victor Sodyouraincoat comes on in his place, but makes no impact before the half-time whistle sounds.

The team that emerges for the second half is the usual, wholesale change outfit. Their manager obviously got into them as they come out a different side. The game deteriorates into an even more scrappy affair, with chances at both ends at a premium. Cheap Copy sees and effort go wide on 53 minutes and is again involved later in the game, latching on to a magnificent cross-field raker from Operation Human Shield, to set up Dusky Brown Lemur who head the opportunity hopelessly over. We close out the game fairly well, Is Cat Now! is called into action in stoppage time, making a smart save, to secure another clean sheet.

FT 2-0 – very pleasing as I thought we would struggle. I start to doubt Incognito further. Baltimora picks up MotM with a good performance, although nobody really played that well on either side.

Some loans come off. We now have 3 new faces on the training ground; Work Experience an 18 year old Ukrainian D/MR/L signed from Metalurg Donetsk as a useful cover player, he probably won’t get into the first XI, Cone-tract Killer a 20 year old Ukrainian DR/C from Shakhtar who will start and Minute Man a 21 year old Ukrainian Keeper from Illichivets who looks like he will relegate Is Cat Now! to the bench. All arrive in time to feature in the final game of pre-season.

FC Systema v Ikva Mlyniv

Yep, it’s windy again. 73 turn out to see what they hope might be the starting side for the upcoming season. The side is pretty much the first half side that has been used in the other matches, except Minute Man is in for Is Cat Now! in goal and Cone-tract Killer replaces Radioactive Defect 38 in the centre of defence.Victor Sodyouraincoat also starts in place of the injured Crazy Ivan. Incognito tells me they lack pace and are generally a bit poo.

We score our fastest goal of pre-season, after just 3 minutes, when Lino’s Assistant glances a sharp header into the far corner from a corner on the right 1-0. I am slightly concerned that out centre-back Passive Resistance took the damn thing, but, hell, it seemed to work. The rest of the half is a scrappy and pretty tepid affair. Mesmerino picks up another booking just before half time. Things are shaken up again at half time, with all 11 players being replaced. The loyal fans get a first look at Capitalist Pigdog who is too useless to have featured thus far and Work Experience. The second half starts badly for us. A series of defensive blunders, culminating with Radioactive Defect 38 ducking under a high ball, allows them to equalise, their striker stealing in at the back post to volley with ease past the exposed Is Cat Now!. Soon after they attempt to repay the favour, nearly scoring a spectacular 30-yard own goal, but the keeper just manages to scramble it behind for a corner – Operation Human Shield is looking to be a constant threat down the right. We are back in front on 63 minutes when Raining Rope crashes a volley from 20 yards, beating the keeper at his near post, a spectacular goal for 2-1. Chances are exchanged, with Is Cat Now! making a few good saves, Cagey Bee making one excellent saving tackle and Dusky Brown Lemur missing a difficult chance after more good work from Operation Human Shield. The win is wrapped up with 5 minutes to go, Work Experience launches a freekick long into the mixer, Jumping Jack Shit has an effort parried, but Dusky Brown Lemur is there to tap in from 6 yards for 3-1. We see out another comfortable victory.

FT 3-1 – Raining Rope picks up MotM, mostly for his goal, not many performances to write home about though.

Our alarmingly successful pre-season has obviously not impressed the bookies. The promotion odds are released, with the ‘B teams’ featuring as the favourites for promotion – I wasn’t aware they could even be promoted. What of Systema-Borex Borodyanka I hear you say? Well, we are rated at 5000/1 to gain promotion. Of even more concern, the odds on us for our first game are 30/1 against. It will be our first trip away from Borodyanka, and if the bookies are to be believed, it ain’t going to be fun. I toy with the idea of having a few sly punts on us, but think better of it. A few days before the start of the season Cagey Bee runs into a post in training and fractures his cheekbone, he’ll be out for 4 weeks, no big loss . . .

[niko_cee]

Spirits are high as we board the team bus to head off on the road for our first league match of the season. We have to leave days in advance as we are off to the other end of the country, to the Black Sea coast and the town of Mykolaiv. The trip is a test for all concerned. We arrive the day before the match and after a brief training session on the pitch at the Central Stadium it’s back to the bus, as we have nowhere else to crash. It’s all part of the bonding process . . .

Mylolaiv v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

Another windy day in the Ukraine, as ever, and the Central Stadium is filled with 2049 expectant fans. Incognito reports that they favour a defensive approach, with just one attacker, but that they are a hardworking and pacey team. His report does not suggest the gulf in class that the bookies seem to think exists. The starting XI is Minute Man, Super Lev, Iron Curtain, Cone-tract Killer, Passive Resistance, Lino’s Assistant, Cheap Copy, Ichi the Killer, Baltimora, Mesmerino(c) and Victor Sodyouraincoar with Is Cat Now!, Unbreakable Union, Radioactive Defect 38, Operation Human Shield, Jumping Jack Shit, Raining Rope and Dusky Brown Lemur on the bench.

They start well and create an opening on just 3 minutes when good midfield play releases their lone striker, but he can only shoot wide under pressure from Passive Resistance. Things threaten to deteriorate when Lino’s Assistant injures one of their lot with a late tackle, although it is one of them that picks up a booking for getting involved in the ensuing melee. 5 minutes later Super Lev feeds Lino’s Assistant down the right, there are no defenders to be seen with both our strikers screaming for the ball in the middle, a good cross picks out Victor Sodyouraincoat but he sees his volley saved by the keeper, pushed behind for a corner. From the corner they break well and threaten to score a real sucker-punch goal, only a good covering tackle from Super Lev abates the danger. Super Lev is again involved on the half hour, knocking a seemingly aimless long ball, which amazingly springs their ridiculously poorly set offside trap. Mesmerino is away down the right, looks up and picks out Victor Sodyouraincoat in the middle who this time finds the net with a strong header 0-1. We double the lead just 6 minutes later after some Appletiser football, we’re not Champagne yet. Following a series of ole inspiring passes in the midfield Cheap Copy swings in a hopeful ball from the left, met by the leaping Mesmerino and cutely glanced into the right hand side of the goal – questions will be asked of their keeper who appeared to get 2 hands to the ball, but what do I care it’s 0-2. With ‘goalside’ an evidently alien concept in their defence, and their continuing insistence on holding a stupidly high line Victor Sodyouraincoat gets clear again on 40 minutes after neat interplay between Ichi the Killer and Cheap Copy, unfortunately his shot is well saved by the keeper and nothing comes from the resulting corner. With our minds obviously already in the dressing room we get caught out in first half stoppage time. Cone-tract Killer lets them in round the back, and whilst the defence scrambles to cover no one picks up their MC who sneaks in at the back post to score an easy tap in after a good cross from the left. Some of the defenders will be getting their tea rather sooner than they might expect, and at a considerably greater velocity . . .

We are controlling this game. They have only had one shot on target and I urge the boys to maintain this level of performance. Baltimora is having an absolute shocker and is promptly hauled off, replaced by Raining Rope in the heart of the midfield. Minute Man is complaining of a slight knock, but he is left on for now. Strong words are had with Cone-tract Killer, Passive Resistance, Lino’s Assistant and Minute Man who were all well below par in the first half.

My inspiring words are obviously lost on these jabroni’s as we are immediately under the cosh in the second half. Things look bad on 56 minutes when neat passing slices our defence to tatters, but a good chance is wasted by one of their greedy midfielders. Super Lev is booked on 66 minutes for unsporting behaviour and our advantage is only maintained by an excellent save by Minute Man. Mesmerino tires alarmingly and is replaced on 70 minutes by Dusky Brown Lemur who also takes the armband off the departing captain. They continue to pressure us, with chances being missed all over the shop, but we make it to the last 10 minutes still with our noses in front. A rare chance for us on 85 minutes, a freekick from 30 yards which Raining Rope puts just over. A minute later all hell breaks loose on the pitch. After making a good interception in midfield Ichi the Killer drives through their manic defensive line and is clear in on goal from a good way out. As he is about to pull the trigger a last ditch tackle comes in, but surely no ball was taken as Ichi the Killer is sent sprawling. The ref turns his back on our vociferous protestations and Lino’s Assistant decides to meet out some retribution with a nasty looking two-footed tackle on their left-back, luckily he only gets a yellow for his trouble. As it looks like Ichi the Killer is in need of lengthy treatment I try and get Jumping Jack Shit on for him, but not before they squander yet another reasonable chance. Deep into stoppage time they have one final flurry, but can only shoot over again, and the ref blows up sealing a great start to the season for us.

FT 1-2 – Ichi the Killer takes MotM, deservedly as he was the stand out player, although his performance was more good than great. A fantastic and unexpected result for us. They had a lot of chances, but just couldn’t hit the target, we finished with more efforts on goal that tested the keeper. Good to see that we weren’t outclassed by a supposedly better side and that the large crowd did not affect our performance.

After the match I am Lugash! tells me that Minute Man has strained his back and will be out for about a week. This will see him miss our first 2 home games, both against fancied promotion candidates. The long journey back on the bus provides time to let off a lot of steam, with the grain liquor flowing freely. We arrive back in Borodyanka in fine form. Rest is required before it’s back to training and preparations for our first home game. After the unexpected away win the town expects better things from the team this season.

FC Systema v Nyva Vinnytsya – Ukrainian First League

There is an appreciable buzz around the SportComplex as 670 expectant fans provide us with our highest home gate so far. Once again, the wind is blowing. Is Cat Now! comes in to replace the injured Minute Man which sees the interloper grey keeper sitting on the bench for this game. Otherwise, it is the same squad as for the first game. Incognito describes this lot as an exceptional team who favour a more patient style of play. He could be right, as they turned over pre-season title favourites Dinamo Kiev 2 3-1 in their opening match.

The match begins at a breakneck pace, with bookings for both sides, Baltimora for us. They keep possession well, but are reduced to speculative efforts from range by our high-pressure style. Our first opening comes on 28 minutes when Baltimora takes a freekick smartly, picking out Ichi the Killer unmarked in the box. He has time to bring the ball under control, but cannot hit the target from 10 yards out, he should have done better – it’s a ‘head in hands’ moment. Moments later we do grab the lead. With the ball pinging back and forth across their goal Lino’s Assistant picks the ball up on the right, beats a man before hitting Baltimora with a precision pass. He meets the ball first time on the volley and beats the keeper with a crisp strike into the bottom right corner 1-0. Is Cat Now! is called into action after 33 minutes, parrying behind from a long-range effort. The corner never makes it into play. We are pegged back a few minutes later, sloppy work from Super Lev lets them nip the ball from a defensive throw in, Cone-tract Killer is in a world of his own, his man gets the ball and beats Is Cat Now! with ease for 1-1. Soon after Mesmerino is in trouble with the ref, picking up a yellow for elbowing one of their defenders. We nearly get back in front on the stroke of half time when an effort from Cheap Copy, seeking to capitalise on a botched goal kick, drifts agonisingly wide.

Not such a happy dressing room this time. We are getting battered and it looks to be only a matter of time before they score again. Super Lev, Passive Resistance and Mesmerino are all well below par and are told they have 10 minutes or so to improve or be replaced.

We are immediately back on the defensive at the start of the second half. Being constantly bombarded with crosses, Is Cat Now! is forced into a smart save on 48 minutes, and again a few minutes later after more defensive ineptitude, this time with Iron Curtain being the culprit. 60 minutes, and it’s time to ring the changes. The unfit and under performing Mesmerino, Baltimora and Ichi the Killer are replaced by Dusky Brown Lemur, Raining Rope and Jumping Jack Shit respectively. We have a great opportunity on 75 minutes to grab an undeserved goal when their keeper comes way too far to challenge to a high ball. The rebound falls to Iron Curtain who just has to hit the target from 35 yards, but, he fails to do so. We threaten again on 80 minutes, a corner from Cheap Copy creating a shooting opportunity for Passive Resistance but he can only shoot high and wide. They appear content with the point as they switch to a more defensive style. Lino’s Assistant has a decent opening a minute later, but he shoots where he might have been better off passing the ball. There is only one remaining heart-in-mouth moment in stoppage time when they glance a header wide, it was a tough chance. At the final whistle there is audible relief around the stadium. After the beating we were taking for much of the match to come away with anything is a bonus.

FT 1-1 – their goal scoring striker gets MotM, he was the best player on the pitch. For us Baltimora turned in a decent performance, as did a few others. Considering they have 4 times as many efforts on goal as we did a draw is fine by me.

Some interesting news greets me on my arrival in the office the following morning. Judge & Jury reports back that he has found an interesting young talent, who was apparently released by us, this is the first I’d heard about such goings on. Well, to cut to the chase, I can see why he was released. Not only is he shit, but he is also yet another right-winger. Judge & Jury is told he must try harder, and indeed he does return with a number of more interesting propositions. Unfortunately we are in no real position to be paying transfer fees at the moment. No time to act anyways as our next game, our third in a week looms large . . .

FC Systema v Dinamo Kiev 2 – Ukrainian First League

Incognito reports that they are a first rate side, perhaps lacking a little pace up top. Once again we are big underdogs in the bookies’ eyes. It’s the same side as for the last match.

They get stuck into us from the get-go and pick up a few yellow cards in the process. The first half is a very scrappy affair, with a lot of play breaking down in the hotly contested midfield zone. Their best opportunity is an ambitious effort from a freekick from 35 yards out. We have the best of it as Mesmerino gets put through by Lino’s Assistant, only to fire wide under heavy pressure from several defenders. The ref calls time without adding any injury time to draw a disappointing first half to a close.

Mesmerino and Cone-tract Killer are both having absolute shockers. They are promptly replaced by Dusky Brown Lemur and Radioactive Defect 38.

Again the second half struggles to get going. Too much breakdown in the midfield. Lino’s Assistant picks up a yellow on the hour for remonstrating too strenuously with his supposed master on the line. Moments later the deadlock is broken, in our favour. Did it come from incisive, quality play? Nope. It came from utterly insane goalkeeping. Their chap came charging out of his goal to mop up a loose ball on the left, but instead of booting it clear, or passing it to a team mate, he promptly turned an knocked the ball to the rather dumbfounded Victor Sodyouraincoat standing unmarked on the top of the box. He struggled to control the damn thing and eventually bundled it into the net, although not before a potentially alarming delay 1-0. Their keeper went some way to redeeming himself 5 minutes later with a good save from a header by Dusky Brown Lemur. He nearly turned provider on 75 minutes when a long, hoofed clearance totally bypassed our defence, only for their striker to snatch at the opportunity and shoot wide. Is Cat Now! is forced into a few more stops before the game enters the last 5 minutes. We should be 2 up when Lino’s Assistant goes clear, but instead of laying it off to Victor Sodyouraincoat for a tap in the greedy bastard torches an effort wide of the mark. More mania ensues as Dusky Brown Lemur nearly scores from 80 yards as their keeper, inexplicably, roamed around the centre-spot, unfortunately the effort ends up closer to the corner flag than the goal. Soon after the ref calls time on a dull, yet at points bafflingly amusing affair.

FT 1-0 – MotM goes to Lino’s Assistant on the basis that it had to go to somebody. It was a generally tepid affair, but it is satisfying to get our first home win under our belts, particularly at the expense of such a rated team. Post match the chairman declares himself pickled tink with the result.

Victor Sodyouraincoat picked up a gashed leg, keeping him out for a week, but with Crazy Ivan on the comeback trail and our next game 7 days away, I am not overly concerned. Our unexpected early season form has catapulted us to 3rd in the table, I’m sure it’s just a blip. It only concerns me slightly that all the loaners I have brought in are utter turd. At least they don’t cost owt, I guess.

I leave you, for now, with some images of the madman in the Dinamo Kiev 2 goal . . .

Here he is passing the ball to Victor Sodyouraincoat for our goal . . .

http://img25.exs.cx/img25/4913/IdiotKeeper1.jpg

Here he is 'at large' in the centre-circle . . .

http://img25.exs.cx/img25/6479/IdiotKeeper2.jpg

:D

[niko_cee]

Having a scout might be paying off, potentially. Judge & Jury, who seems to have been hanging out mostly around the unemployment office in Odessa, that Black Sea in summer, what a place to be, reports back on a number of available players. Most of them have been released by High League clubs, and quite rightly by the looks of things. His recommendations are clearly based on factors other than talent, well of the players at least, perhaps the talent of the hospitality available is the guiding factor. His scattergun approach pays dividends when he unearths a centre-back of reasonable quality, Cardiac Arrest, recently released by Chernomorets. I lay my finest rap on him and although he tries to resist, I eventually have my way with him and he has to sign after that . . .

Cardiac Arrest – 25 UKR DC – good and strong, if somewhat lacking in most technical abilities, certainly not as bad as some of the crap I have at the moment so he’ll be straight into the side.

More potential action on the transfer front. As I am still unhappy with our keepers the news that a decent one could be available comes as a pleasant surprise to me. A 30 year old playing non-league in Ivano-Frankivsk, the town I happen to be off to for the next league game, what luck. Although his club, Telpovyk Ivano-Frankivsk want actual money for him I manage to negotiate them down to some currency of dubious quality and value, with the promise of more over the next couple of years. As the bus rolls in for the match there is just enough time to wrap up the deal, in time for him to play against his sworn enemies – Spartak Ivano-Frankivsk.

Geriatric Taipan – 30 UKR GK – he’ll start, what more do you need to know? What’s with all the questions?

Spartak Ivano-Frankivsk v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

Seeing as we played them in pre-season I feel even less inclined to acknowledge Incognito’s report than usual, but again he delivers; they are strong, good midfield with decent pace. The result in pre-season was a bit of a fudge. We scored with every shot that hit the target, they missed quite a lot, so I suspect this will be a tough examination. Both new arrivals, Cardiac Arrest and Geriatric Taipan come into the first team as does Crazy Ivan and Victor Sodyouraincoat is nowhere near match fitness. There is a decent crowd, 2033, although the size of the stadium makes even this number look quite paltry. For the first time in living memory it isn’t windy.

No time to settle for us as we are immediately under pressure. After a few probing forays they miss a decent chance, heading over from 10 yards after a good cross form the left. We start to get our act together, limiting them to shots from range, with the most notable threats coming from rangy set pieces. We are abruptly dislodged from our comfort zone as we go one down on the half-hour. Radioactive Defect 38 is caught woefully out of position and has no pace to recover, their striker gets clean though and although Geriatric Taipan does well to block the first effort he can only parry it straight back for the same striker to tap home the rebound 1-0. The rest of the half degenerates into a midfield scrap, which we get much the worse of, but no more clear-cut chances come along before half-time.

We are getting battered. The ‘attack’ is an imaginary concept. Crazy Ivan is having a shocker and is told he has limited time to sort it out. Mesmerino and Lino’s Assistant are also under performing. The changes may need to be rung.

Our increased emphasis serves only to expose us to more counter attacks. They clearly have greater pace than us all over the pitch and miss a great chance only a few minutes into the second period. 10 minutes later another of their midfielders breezes through our non-existent defence only to shoot over from a tight angle. Time for some changes. Crazy Ivan hasn’t improved and Mesmerino and Lino’s Assistant have actually got worse, they are all hauled off to be replaced by Dusky Brown Lemur, Operation Human Shield and Raining Rope – Ichi the Killer is given greater license to attack as we are short on strikers. The immediate impact is yet another good chance for them which they miss. The game hardly changes, we are still under heavy pressure and there seems to be nothing I can do – they are just a lot better than us. Geriatric Taipan is forced into a number of good saves to keep it at 1, which it surprisingly stays at until the last 10 minutes. No sooner than I think this, stick a fork in us, we’re done. Here’s where the wheels start to come off. Whilst keeping the ball off us for another prolonged period of time they decide to start taking the piss, lunges are made, but to no effect, they pass through us and double their advantage when their other striker heads in from the penalty spot, there was no marking 2-0. A minute later we nearly concede again, a stinging counter, and another 1-on-1 missed. As we push forward trying to get back into the game we are once again exposed at the back, this time they don’t miss 3-0. Virtually the same thing happens moments later, but thankfully they miss again. With 5 minutes to go it’s simply a case of praying the ref takes pity on us and lets us back into the dressing room as quickly as possible. My prayers go unanswered as we get 4 minutes of injury time, time for them to score again, and even though the linesman was flagging like semaphorist on speed-balls, the goal stood 4-0. And with that we got our first real beating of the season.

FT 4-0 - Not one single player in our ranks played as well as any of them. Some disciplinary action will be needed, particularly as the worst performances were from so-called stars and the captain. Their striker got MotM, he deserved it, borstord. It also seems Baltimora damaged his foot in the match, 6 days on the sidelines for him.

Action, in the form of warnings for poor performance, is taken against Mesmerino, Crazy Ivan and Lino’s Assistant. Whilst they are all a bit pissed, it is the skipper who speaks up. He is promptly slapped down. Stripped of the armband and if there were reserved he’d be off. He’d also be on the list if he wasn’t so utterly valueless. That’ll show the insolent canute. It is a long and tense trip on the bus back across the country.

On arrival back in Borodyanka the local rumour mill has cranked into overdrive, with allegations of disharmony and outright brawling in the dressing room. I only fuel the rumours when I comment that there will be major changes for the next match. All this disappointment, methinks these chumps expect too much.

FC Systema v Spartak-Gorobyna – Ukrainian First League

Back to the windy north-west, but now it’s oppressively hot as well. The stadium is almost full as 653 turn out to see us bounce back after the pasting we took in the last match. Incognito reports that they are a moderate side, although, judging by their form thus far (0 points) I’m hopeful we can get back on track. Many of the more offensively useless wasters from the last game are dropped. This means a debut for Work Experience and a return to the side for Victor Sodyouraincoat after injury.

We start looking like a side with something to prove. Operation Human Shield goes close with a 25-yarder on 4 minutes, and defensive buffoonery soon after almost allows Victor Sodyouraincoat to give us the lead, but he misses, shooting over. More good play on 20 minutes when Iron Curtain and Cheap Copy combine to put Victor Sodyouraincoat clear down the left. He pulls it back to Baltimora, unmarked at the top of the box, but his effort goes into the side-netting . On the half-hour there is some nastiness in the midfield, bookings are handed out, Baltimora picks one up for us. The game drifts aimlessly towards half-time with bugger all of any interest happening. We look to be going all right so I hold off on the changes for now.

15 minutes drift by, only a long-range shot from Ichi the Killer stirs the crowd, briefly. Changes are made, on comes the reticent Crazy Ivan and Kremlin Gremlin. There is a swift impact. On 70 minutes Cheap Copy swings in a corner from the right, right onto the bonce of Crazy Ivan who powers a header in past the feckless ass-clown charged with guarding the near-post 1-0. With just 10 minutes left we almost score again, a driving run from Ichi the Killer releasing Victor Sodyouraincoat who misses a good chance at the near post, an unforgivable error. After 85 minutes of doing nothing they spring into life with 5 minutes to go, going close with a number of efforts. Good saves from Geriatric Taipan and excellent covering tackles from Cardiac Arrest keep us in the lead and we eventually hold out for a good 3-point recovery.

FT 1-0 – Ichi the Killer picked up MotM, deservedly, and there were generally better performances from most of the players. Satisfying.

The draw for the first round of the Ukrainian Cup, sponsored by Bodyform, is made and we get some dodgy non-league side. No doubt they’re saying, “Borodyanka, what?” in a similar vein. Prykarpattya Kalush await us. Worrying they seem to have a much better set-up, side and kit manufacturer than we do. Well, not to worry for now, any ignominious defeat will be rebuffed with the standard defence that cups are clearly for girls.

We are swiftly back on the road for a midweek appointment I’d frankly rather stand-up and apologetically text later, another away game against another decent side. As I think this I realise this will be a common emotion, as most sides seem to be substantially better than us.

CSKA Kiev v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

Seeing as we haven’t gone too far west, the familiar wind is gusting. They look a good side, 3rd in the league with Incognito’s report not boding well for us – determined and patient. A good performance sees much of the side remain unchanged. His goal in the last game sees Crazy Ivan return to the starting XI. 2042 have come along, obviously hoping for another comedy meltdown a la our last performance away from home.

We are cracked open on three minutes, but they fail to feast on the gooey substance inside as they miss a good chance. A few minutes later a game of head tennis goes badly wrong for us and they are clean in, only to miss again. We look to be holding out well. On the half hour more pressure from them looked to have been abated by a goal line clearance from Ichi the Killer, but a quick cross in catches us off guard and they take the lead with a well aimed header 1-0. Natch. We struggle to get out of our own half, but make it to half-time before any further damage can be done. Having had nothing in attack, the chronically shit Crazy Ivan is hauled off again, replaced by Dusky Brown Lemur.

Exposed for lacking pace again, they almost score straight from our kick-off, but Geriatric Taipan is there to bail us out again. Just before the hour Baltimora shoots over after he was set up by Victor Sodyouraincoat, soon after more changes are made. Operation Human Shield, who is having a shocker, is replaced by Kremlin Gremlin and Mesmerino comes on for Cheap Copy down the left. Their cheating canute left-winger injures our plucky fullback Work Experience and exploits his absence, setting up a good chance which is again saved well by Geriatric Taipan. We continue to struggle to create chances, and the one good one that does come along is squandered by Dusky Brown Lemur a few minutes before the end, after Baltimora and Kremlin Gremlin did well to create the chance. The game petered out disappointingly.

FT 1-0 – all a bit drab really and it looks like we will struggle on the road this season. The chap that scored the goal got MotM.

The end of the month heralds a board appraisal, but with relatively few games under my belt the board simply continue with the ‘we think we made the right decision’ line. Amusingly all 3 goals of the month, the top 3 that is, were scored against the same team in different games, no not us, Zakarpattya Uzhgorod. As the transfer deadline looms I think it may be necessary to strengthen in the left midfield position, Judge & Jury has provided me with a number of possibilities. Before I can get anything done the next league game comes along and gets in the way, at least we’re at home for this one.

FC Systema v Zorya Lugansk

Lots of pace, especially down the flanks. Thanks Incognito, just what I want to hear. They’re just behind us in the league so this looks to be a crucial mid-table bruiser. The malfunctioning attack is revamped once again, Mesmerino and Dusky Brown Lemur starting up top this time round. Again it’s hot and windy and again there is a decent turn out at the SportComplex, 663 tickets sold.

We start solidly, but quickly attempt to undermine our position by way of some calamitously mad defending. After giving away a needless corner Iron Curtain and Dusky Brown Lemur conspire to ‘play their way out of defence’, unsurprisingly it goes wrong, and they get a good opening, thankfully they miss it. It’s all a bit lacking in quality and a tricky header on 38 minutes, which they miss, is the only noteworthy event. Tepid.

Mesmerino is playing shite, again, he’s left on temporarily, but after another dire 15 minutes he is replaced by Crazy Ivan. Victor Sodyouraincoat also comes on in an attacking overhaul. The changes are of little effect, it’s all breaking up in the middle, and only extremely hopeful shots excite the crowd out of their semi-comatose state. As another game draws towards a dull ending the ref throws us a lifeline. A corner from Cheap Copy looked to have been cleared with ease, but wait, there was shoving. Penalty. What? No, of course I don’t have money on Systema at 24-1! Up steps Crazy Ivan, miss this and he’s officially out of the family, he drives it to the right, the keeper stands motionless, statuesque as the ball whistles past him into the net 1-0. Normality is soon resumed and the game drifts towards a greatly anticipated conclusion.

FT 1-0 – Operation Human Shield got MotM with an average performance, most of the side played OK. Who cares, we won.

7 games in and we are 8th in the table, only a win away from the promotion spots, and, perhaps more importantly, 8 points clear of the relegation zone. I make a move to bolster the left side and it all comes good. Yet another unemployed chump signs after saying he has no intention of joining. He is added to the ever burgeoning ranks of my man-whores . . .

Snake in the Grass – 26 UKR MR/L – he isn’t entirely unacceptable as a human being, and that’s all it takes to get a contract here.

It’s off to Kalush for some girly antics against the non-league lot in the cup next week.

Eating is cheating, no sleeping on tour!

[niko_cee]

Spirits are at an all time high as we hit the road for a foray into the wilderness of the non-league hinterland and the joys of cup football. The dangerous levels of alcohol being consumed on the bus would usually concern me, but hey, we’re on tour, and it is just the cup. It doesn’t take too many swigs of the old homebrew moonshine before the team anthem is being belted out, an apocalypse for the ears. As with everything Borodyanka, singing the song competently is well beyond our means. It doesn’t help that a particularly tricky tune needs to be followed, that of the early 80s classic Vienna by Ultravox. The net result is simply disturbing, I give you, our song . . .

We play on a shit ground,
Frozen pipes in the dressing room,
Rusting and leaking,
The man in the goal in a sombre mood,
Mystic and soulful,
A voice reaching out in a piercing cry,
It stays with you until.

We’ve gone one nil down and we’re going nowhere,
It means nothing to us,
It means nothing to us,
Borodyanka!

As the wailing banshee bus hurtles through the night bringing new nightmares to the peasant children of the Ukraine the sauce gets the better of more than a few of the squad and we soon lapse into a state of tranquil torpor. We arrive at the stadium on the morning of the match in a fragile state, greeted by Incognito, the bearer of alarming news. It seems this non-league lot are a half-decent side, and, much worse, they have been training hard for this match for the past couple of days, whilst we have been, well lets just say the training hasn’t been a high priority.

Prykarpatty v FC Systema – Ukrainian Cup 1st Round

Looking around the facilities, it’s hard to understand exactly how we are a league side, the surrounds are positively palatial in comparison to the SportComplex. As the side runs out the surprise continues, there are 1527 people inside the very tidy stadium, with room to spare, that’s more than double our home capacity. Snake in the Grass is straight into the side on the left wing, Operation Human Shield keeps his place after his MotM performance in the last game and the strike force is Crazy Ivan and Victor Sodyouraincoat.

The ref’s whistle signals the first cavalry charge from them, but our class allows us to fend them off with consummate ease, seriously. They throw everything at us for the first 20 minutes, but rarely trouble us, and we look dangerous with a few breakaway counter-attacks, but neither side can break the deadlock. Work Experience is having a decent game and sets up Crazy Ivan, who puts a good chance over the bar on 21 minutes. Soon after we threaten again from a corner, but after a goal-line scramble they manage to escape unpunished. For the next ten minutes we appear to go into some kind of formation meltdown, with strange players popping up all over the place, both Baltimora and Ichi the Killer go close with 25 yard efforts. Our stranglehold on the game is almost broken on 35 minutes when a long ball finds its target and after a neat flick-on their striker hits the post with a smart volley, thankfully Geriatric Taipan manages to clear the danger before we concede yet another rebound goal. As we enter first half stoppage time there is still time for both out strikers to miss presentable opportunities, Crazy Ivan putting a header wide and Victor Sodyouraincoat negligently attempts to round their keeper when one-on-one. We’re going all right so there are no changes to be made at the break.

Ichi the Killer, clearly invigorated by his half time tea, springs into action just 4 minutes into the second half. Picking the ball up in the centre-circle he surges through the middle of their midfield and defence, only to be thwarted by a good save by their keeper. Whilst we continue to have the better of the exchanges, we are struggling to create many openings and some of the players appear to be tiring badly, time for some substitutions. 2 new strikers are the order of the day, the goalless starting pair replaced by Mesmerino and Dusky Brown Lemur. Soon after the changes are made we are made to pay for our relative profligacy in front of goal. 73 minutes in, a good cross from the left and a good header saved by Geriatric Taipan, but they, unsurprisingly, capitalise on the rebound and score 1-0, harrumph. With 10 minutes to go we should be back in it, but the good chance, yet again, falls to the permanently feckless Dusky Brown Lemur. Clearly feeling the worse for the previous few days bingeing our performance deteriorates into slovenly hoofing and by the end we are pleased to get off the pitch, suitably embarrassed.

FT 1-0 – their keeper picked up the MotM gong, he did play annoyingly well. We didn’t deserve this, blame is squarely apportioned on the 2 centre-backs who were just dire. Bah! Cups are for girls.

Back in the homely squalor of the SportComplex it’s time for some executive actions. Lino’s Assistant comes in moaning that he is disillusioned and wants to leave, git. I think about putting him on the transfer list, but instead decide to put some of the more hopeless members of the squad, on go Some One’s Attractive Cousin, Kremlin Gremlin and Capitalist Pigdog. I’ve also had enough of Incognito’s scout reports, so he is recalled and swiftly despatched back to mother Russia to hunt for prospective comrades. It also seems Judge & Jury feels he’s done enough within the bounds of our nation and desires a more glamorous secondment. I give him back his papers and tell him he’s free to wander around Eastern Europe, just so long as he stays within the bounds of the former Soviet bloc. Wow, that was a lot of work, and what’s this? More work, another tricky away game. What a fantasmic chafe on the nether regions.

Nafkom-Academia v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

Looking at the league table, they are 6th and have decent home form. Looking at their squad, they look better than us. See, what was Incognito doing all that time? The wind is gusting again and there are just over a thousand people to witness the travelling curiosity that we seem to have become. The same team starts as I can’t be bothered to redo the tactics board that we stole from the last game.

Before the game I had identified their right-winger as a potential problem, and instructed Iron Curtain accordingly. Good to see my advice is still not getting through. 5 minutes in and he’s causing havoc, a good cross, a header saved well, yep, you guessed it, a tap in rebound for 1-0. All of the defenders were equally, and massively culpable in the debacle that was their opener. 2 minutes later I am genuinely shocked, a deflected cross from Operation Human Shield on the right finds Crazy Ivan in acres of space and he finishes rashly, blasting the ball through the keeper for 1-1. After a bright opening the game settles into the anticipated monotony. A few rangy efforts, a booking here and there for Cardiac Arrest and Operation Human Shield, an injury for Crazy Ivan seeing Mesmerino on the pitch sooner than one would ideally want, and the requisite number of parries by Geriatric Taipan – he really never catches anything. Before long it was time to sit down for a while and discuss which way we would be going in the second half.

3 minutes after the restart I am seething. They almost take the league after a cutting passing move where they were offside at virtually every stage of the attack, fortunately Geriatric Taipan was there to parry us to safety again. Just before the hour we are behind again, some chimp scores his first ever goal, a 30 yard screamer right into the top-bin 2-1. Once again it takes action from them to kick-start our endeavours and just 3 minutes later we are back on level terms, there is a palpable shock amongst the supporters and benches of both sides. After a good run from Snake in the Grass, Victor Sodyouraincoat took the ball down the left edge of the box to the by-line, nipped in a neat cross, their keeper surged into the heart of no-man’s-land, only for Mesmerino to just slip in front and head into an open goal 2-2. Still high from our second comeback, we totally neglect any defensive duties, a long ball finds a No Marking zone and another of their simian test subject players scores his first ever goal, and it’s another bloody cracker 3-2. Arse. We almost mount a third rapid response, but Victor Sodyouraincoat can only shoot wide across the goal after being put through by some calamitous ‘tackle you own player through-ball’ activity by one of their lot (ISS multiplayers will know what I mean). On 70 minutes the flagging Baltimora is replaced by Jumping Jack Shit. The equaliser just evades us again on 83 minutes after good work from their keeper denies Mesmerino his second of the game, a good parry onto the post and we can’t put away the rebound. Deep into injury time, with the game very stretched, they almost score from a quick counter after it looked like Mesmerino might get one final opportunity to salvage a point. No such luck.

FT 3-2 – by far the most exciting game of the season. Again we played well but got beat, most gallingly Geriatric Taipan takes MotM, as is tradition, when their keeper plays well you lose, if yours plays well, you usually lose as well. Only Iron Curtain played poorly, run ragged by their star man on the wing. Fortunately Crazy Ivan isn’t badly injured, he has a gashed leg and he’ll be back in time for the next game, back to the SportComplex for an upturn in fortune hopefully.

FC Systema v Polissya – Ukrainian First league

Another of my pre-season adversaries, not sure what to take from the 1-1 we fought out as it was when nobody was remotely fit. Their league position suggests danger, 3rd. After his shocker in the last game Iron Curtain is replaced by Super Lev who has been warming the bench after the unexpected good form of Work Experience. Otherwise it’s the same team as has been toiling on the road for the past week or so.

After 14 seconds Cone-tract Killer is booked, now that’s impressive. 8 minutes in we waste our first good chance - can you see where this is going? – as Crazy Ivan blitzes over from 10 yards out on an acute angle. It takes another 20 minutes for something interesting to happen, Operation Human Shield shooting just over from just outside the box. This is a boring game. Half time cannot come soon enough and the referee duly obliges with a suspiciously early whistle. There are no major dysfunctions, they’ve just come to shut-up-shop and we can’t break them down.

From the restart Operation Human Shield embarks on a jinking run, I call it skill, you may call it a desperate and failing attempt to control the ball, but shoots over again. He’s got to stop leaning back so much. Again the game settles into a familiar pattern. They sit back, we have no quality, we can’t break them down. Their keeper is called into action on 69 minutes, parrying a good shot from Baltimora and yet again we can’t snaffle the rebound. That’s his last involvement as he and Crazy Ivan are replaced by Jumping Jack Shit and Mesmerino. With 15 minutes to go Ichi the Killer sets off on one of his trade mark runs, surging through the opposition only to get one-on-one and fluff the chance – a good save denying him this time. Obviously nothing good comes of the corner. With just moments remaining our desperate efforts from range fail to cause any serious danger. Fade to black.

FT 0-0 – after the excitement of the last game it seems Newton was right, this was the equal and opposite reaction. Their keeper got MotM, see, what did I tell you. Bastard. Well, that was a thoroughly anus fortnight. Good job there’s a bit of a break before the next match, time to kick some life into this bunch of chimpernickels.

:moop:

[niko_cee]

As the height of summer draws to a close, 3 weeks is all we get out these ways usually, but for those 3 weeks it is unbearably hot, so it evens out for the freeze we get for the rest of the year, sort of, well, OK, not at all really. As I bask in the lazy mid-afternoon sunshine I can’t help but think I’m missing out on something. Sure enough, it is cup weekend and since we were unceremoniously dumped out in the first round we have nothing to do but sit back, enjoy the heat and dream of what might have been. The non-leaguers who did us in the first round progress again, beating another non-league side. It could have been us. Doubtful mind you. Bygones.

We seem to have a lot of time on our hands these days. Without a league game for a couple of weeks, with an international break soon after it’s all a little lethargic around the SportComplex. To lessen the boredom I decide to check out some of the Ukrainian sides playing in the Chupa-Chumpians League. It’s the final qualification round and both Dinamo Kiev and Shakhtar Donetsk both manage to get through to the group stages, Dinamo impressively boshing Anderlecht 7-0 on aggregate. Meanwhile, in the Weenie-WAFA Ukrainian hopes are kept alive by Dnipro and Metalurg Donetsk who both make it through to the first round proper. To conclude the week of European excitement, underdogs Porto savage Valencia in the Super Ted Memorial Vase.

Back to reality, it seems there was some kind of incident in the game room, sometime on Saturday morning. In a hard fought game of ping-pong Snake in the Grass horribly over exerted himself, tearing his groin, he’ll be out for 3 months, which is effectively longer as he will be out until after the winter break, it’ll be 7 months before we see him in action again. A Joe Pesci moment. No time to dwell on the fact that one of our better players, and most recent acquisition is gonna be out for ages, it’s off to Kharkiv to play some misspelled maniacs.

Metalist Kharkiv v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

Although they are on better form, we are 5 places above them in the league, so they must be a bit craptastic. The usual wind has gone, replaced by what is being officially classified as a gale. Accompanied by a massive drop in temperature that winter break can’t come soon enough, and it’s still a couple of months away. Another respectable crowd of 2058 serves to emphasise just why we need better facilities. As for the side, Cheap Copy comes in for the crocked Snake in the Grass and the constantly moaning Lino’s Assistant comes onto the bench.

Ooh, this is dull. Even by the very lowly standards of lower league Ukrainian footy this is a poor game. All the crowd have to get excited about are extremely speculative efforts, I say speculative, but knowing the standard of goalkeeping in this league they are probably genuine threats. Most of them come from them as we make no effort to attack for the entire first half. An actual chance comes along on 36 minutes, a free shot from the edge of the box, but one of their lot flails limply at it and it whimpers wide. The whistle is without question the highlight of the half. Time to spice things up. Cone-tract Killer is having an absolute stinker, so is replaced by Passive Resistance. Hard to call that spice really.

The second half starts a little more encouragingly, in terms of the spectacle that is, not for us as they go close on 2 occasions, both times good saves by Geriatric Taipan serves to maintain the parity. 5 minutes in and we actually mount an attack, no that’s not some kind of livestock, disgusting. Ichi the Killer picks up on a cross-field ball by Cheap Copy and surges through the inside-right channel all the way to the bi-line. His attempted cutback misses all its intended targets, but finds its way back to Cheap Copy on the left wing. He manages to pick out Victor Sodyouraincoat with a good cross, who proceeds to squander what we in the trade refer to as a sitter. A minute later Ichi the Killer gets pretensions above his station and promptly puts a freekick into orbit from 25 yards. Time drifts by, as do our lives and the lives of the ailing spectators. 25 minutes left and time for the rest of the subs, off comes Crazy Ivan who, as I gaze longingly at the fourth official, I notice wears the Number 1 shirt, how odd, on comes Mesmerino. Victor Sodyouraincoat is also replaced by Dusky Brown Lemur. Just 4 minutes after the changes I feel it may be time for some auto-fellatio, if only I could. Mesmerino intercepts possession in the centre-circle and pushes down the right outpacing his marker, he then picks out Dusky Brown Lemur with a precision pass, he takes control, spins his man and fires the ball into the top corner from 10 yards for his first goal of the season 0-1. My moment of self-congratulatory excess is swiftly interrupted. Literally from the kick-off they wander down the pitch, plonk a ball into the box, get through on goal, get hacked down by Baltimora, he gets a red card, they get a penalty, fucksticks. With no subs left it’s just a case of reworking the on field staff. As I curse our misfortune and amazing thing happens. The penalty is saved. It really was a shocker, straight down the middle, Geriatric Taipan stood still. Tremendous. For the remainder of the match we restrict them to efforts from outside of the box, none of which can trouble the imperious Geriatric Taipan. To cap off an excellent away day Work Experience manages to waste the final 30 seconds by not taking a throw in. Great refereeing.

FT 0-1 – the outstanding Geriatric Taipan picks up the MotM. Cardiac Arrest also played well, the others were less impressive, but generally competent. It seems this result has pleased the chairman, good good.

I don’t bother appealing Baltimora’s ban. More delays in the fixture list as we enter an international week. God only knows why seeing as absolutely nobody in this league should be playing international football. So it’s another week of reading the interminably dull reports my scouts keep sending me back, so few diamonds, so much shite. National pride runs away with itself as the Ukraine open up on the hapless Northern Irish, securing at least a place in the playoffs with a 2-0 home win. Things become simply unbelievable as the side then travels to Spain and whoops’em good with a 3-1 win, ensuring that there will be some shonky looking former Soviets skulking around Portugal next summer. Whilst this is all going on I attempt to lower the wage bill be offering a few of my more tragic players around, the responses are disappointing. Before any deals can be struck it’s back to the office for a potentially scarring encounter against the league leaders.

FC Systema v Shakhtar 2 - Ukrainian First League

They look a quality outfit. The wind has gone, it’s dried out the land and now our bitty pitch is getting a good dose of frost. 664 people, no that’s not right, fans, well, lets just say ticket-holding entities, show up. Jumping Jack Shit comes in for the suspended Baltimora, otherwise we are unchanged.

A cagey opening; after they threaten from a freekick on 6 minutes we nearly score 2 minutes later. Cone-tract Killer releases Operation Human Shield down the right, he absolutely roshambos his man and pulls it back to Crazy Ivan who sees a goal-bound volley blocked by their centre-back. Half an hour drifts by and nobody even notices. The a bad thing happens. They have a corner, it gets swung in, there is some ‘shoving’ and they get a penalty, that’s the second game in a row. Unfortunately these guys aren’t so profligate and the penalty is dispatched with minimal fuss, neatly to the stationary keeper’s right hand side 0-1. On the stroke of half time they get another corner – our ineptitude in these matters is going to become an ongoing theme, see if you can spot it – some chap glances a header and Work Experience can’t prevent it from sneaking in the near post 0-2. We almost get one back, but Jumping Jack Shit can’t hit the target after being put sort of in down the inside left channel, annoyingly he misses at the near post.

Cups of tea are thrown at Work Experience and Geriatric Taipan at half time, the burns suffered by Work Experience force me to bring him off and put on Iron Curtain in his place.

They continue to pressure us at the beginning of the second half and we simply can’t get the ball, let alone threaten to get back into the game. After 15 minutes of nothing the time has come for some changes. 2 midfielders off, 2 strikers on – Mesmerino and Dusky Brown Lemur replacing Cheap Copy and Jumping Jack Shit. Moments later, as if attempting to scupper my tactical reworking Ichi the Killer gets himself sent off for decking one of their players, arsecandlesh! We almost go further behind with 15 minutes left, but somehow their 2 strikers conspire to miss when both were standing unmarked on the 6-yard line. With 11 minutes left we have our last attempt at getting back into things, but Dusky Brown Lemur can only shoot over from a good way out. The last 10 minutes is a lesson in keep-ball and the ref blows up dead on the 90 minutes, an act of mercy.

FT 0-2 – their Number 9 gets MotM, Geriatric Taipan, Cheap Copy and Cardiac Arrest were all poor, Work Experience’s performance was simply unspeakable. I appeal Ichi the Killer’s ban, it gets increased to 2 games.


I finally manage to offload some of my fodder squad, sort-of, Capitalist Pigdog agrees to move to Tekhno-Centre, for nothing, but it can’t go through until the end of the season as there is some kind of transfer window, how annoying. Whilst toying with the idea of releasing the little bugger, I decide that Some One’s Attractive Cousin has seen his last training session, he is handed a envelope full of money and told not to come back. At training the next day another player does serious damage to his groin, this time it’s Victor Sodyouraincoat, he’ll be out until after the winter break as well. Words are had with I Am Lugash, but we’re off on the road again before I can fully impress my opinions into his armour-plated skull.

Zakarpattya v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

They’re 17th in the league, that’s one off bottom, so we should be looking to win this one even though we are away. Baltimora comes back from suspension, replacing the newly suspended Ichi the Killer. Victor Sodyouraincoat is injured and Crazy Ivan is dropped with Mesmerino and Dusky Brown Lemur filling the attacking berths. Iron Curtain also comes in for Work Experience who still has not been forgiven for his display in the last game.

A great start for us, almost, as their centre-back misses a long ball allowing Dusky Brown Lemur to run clear in on goal in the very first minute. Overcome by the moment he torches his shot well over. We are immediately on the back foot as they come close minutes later, only a good save from Geriatric Taipan with some help from the post keeps it nil-nil. The end-to-end nature of the game continues, this time we are on the attack, Operation Human Shield going clear down the right, but since Mesmerino played him in he has no support and is forced to shoot from a difficult angle – he can’t hit the target. Yet another chance before the game has even reached the 10-minute mark, our central defensive pairing is AWOL, both of their strikers are running in on goal, Geriatric Taipan is beaten, but the shot cannons off the crossbar and we manage to clear the danger. The game settles down a little after such a manic opening, although our defence is once again nowhere to be seen on 23 minutes, this time Geriatric Taipan and Baltimora combine to abate the danger. The deadlock is broken after 27 minutes. A throw in on the left taken by Iron Curtain, Cheap Copy takes possession and whips in a good cross, I think Mesmerino has given us the lead, but no, it turns out that their centre-back has thundered in an impressive own-goal volley 0-1. The half again settles into a drifting torpor with Operation Human Shield shooting well wide with a couple of extremely hopeful 30-yarders.

Although we are winning there are a number of poor performances through the team. Dusky Brown Lemur, leading the way in the abjectness stakes, is replaced by Crazy Ivan.

The first threat of the second half comes 5 minutes in, a weak shot from range is ineptly fumbled by Geriatric Taipan presenting their striker with an open goal, thankfully he misses, blitzing the chance over the bar. Just past the hour, with our lead looking increasingly precarious, we pull out some truly magical play to go 2 up. Operation Human Shield looked to be getting himself deeper and deeper into trouble, backtracking down the right flank virtually to our own goal line, with seemingly no options he dinked a neat ball up the line to Mesmerino who had found space behind the high pressing line that was bearing down on Operation Human Shield, a first time layoff to Crazy Ivan and an incisive first time through ball by him sets fullback Super Lev away down the right. With time and space and 2 unmarked men in the box it’s time to make a decent attempt at crossing, this he does, picking out Crazy Ivan at the back post who confidently strokes a volley past the keeper for 0-2. Wonderful stuff. We nearly make it 3 a few minutes later, but Mesmerino’s header is saved after a good ball in from Cheap Copy. With 20 minutes left we are rocked out of our comfort zone. Yet again our woes stem from a corner. Yet again there is pushing. Yet again we have a penalty awarded against us. Their Number 10 rattles it against the crossbar, the second time he has done this in the match, it is clearly not his day, we scramble it clear for another corner. Suffice to say, we are in trouble at the corner again. Another near post header, the man on the line can’t stop it and it’s 1-2. With 8 minutes to go we look to be trying our best to self-destruct. Iron Curtain, being a twat, gives the ball away as we look to build from the back, events conspire against us and they get 1-on-1 with Geriatric Taipan, thankfully it is their Number 10 and he fails with a pointless chip into the keeper’s grateful arms. Geriatric Taipan is forced into a few more good saves, but we manage to see the game out for a good away win.

FT 1-2 – MotM to Geriatric Taipan, again he was excellent. They had 11 shots on target, we had 3, kerching! Cone-tract Killer was worryingly poor again.

No sooner are we back in Borodyanka and it’s time to play some Kharkivian North London wannabes . . .

FC Systema v Arsenal Kharkiv - Ukrainian First League

We’re level on points with these, but they’re ahead with a superior goal difference, so it should be a close game. Home advantage should give us the edge and I expect to win. Apart from Crazy Ivan coming in for Dusky Brown Lemur the side is unchanged from the last game. It’s definitely getting colder, still 658 turn out to watch this mid-table scrap.

The early exchanges are marked only by a series of long range efforts, Baltimora going close on 2 occasions for us, Geriatric Taipan being called into action to deal with a freekick and a cheeky lob by them. We managed to nip in front on 19 minutes, a cross-field pass from Super Lev to Cheap Copy, a pin-point cross and an excellent volley from Mesmerino from 10 yards out and it’s 1-0. We fail to create too many opportunities before half time, Iron Curtain picks up a booking and then gets horribly done as they almost equalise minutes before the break – a free header from 6 yards out, put weakly into Geriatric Taipan’s hands. We go in 1 up and there is no need for any lambasting or any substitutions.

Things start slowly in the second half, our lead is nearly doubled on 57 minutes. Crazy Ivan tees one up for Baltimora from 25 yards, his shot is deflected and only a good reaction stop by their keeper keeps it at 1-0. With neither side offering much in the way of attacking flair the game drifts aimlessly towards what would be a very satisfying conclusion. With 15 minutes left Cheap Copy records what allegedly passes for an effort on goal with a hopeless cross-come-shot type thing. This is the only event of note until the very last minute when we finally confirm the victory with a second goal. Jumping Jack Shit winning possession in the midfield, laying it off to Baltimora in space who bends an absolute cracker into the top corner from 25 yards 2-0! That’s how it finishes.

FT 2-0 – Baltimora collects MotM with a great goal rounding off a great performance. Even better, most of the team played well and there were no really awful performances.

I Am Lugash is quickly being overrun in the treatment room as both Cone-tract Killer and Mesmerino pick up injuries in training, a damaged shoulder and a strained knee will keep them out for 3 and 2 weeks respectively – suddenly we’re looking a bit light up top. No time to dwell on these setbacks though as we are back on the road for an away trip to another of the sides in the relegation zone.

Naftovyk Okhtyra v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

Even though they are sitting low in the table they look to have a decent side. There are 1950 fans in the stadium and they are quite hopeful that their side can get back on track against the highly inconsistent mid-table dwelling Borodyanka folk. Injuries force changes, Dusky Brown Lemur and Passive Resistance coming in, Ichi the Killer also comes back after suspension so it’s back to the bench for Jumping Jack Shit.

A cracking start. Obviously looking to make an early impression Passive Resistance glances a header in from a corner, drifting it just inside the near post from quite a way out. The only drawback is that it was their corner and our goal, 1-0. 14 minutes in and the distressingly complacent Operation Human Shield is robbed in midfield, a high ball bypasses the bewildered Cardiac Arrest and only a good save from Geriatric Taipan prevents us from falling further behind. Unfortunately he can only parry the shot wide for a corner, the corner is hit long to the back post, their chap gets up above ours and even the 3 defenders encamped on our line can’t stop his header making it 2-0. They get another good chance just after the half hour, Operation Human Shield losing out again, reprieved by another good save from Geriatric Taipan. The game is effectively over after 38 minutes. Once again we have problems at a corner. Once again we resort to unfair means, Baltimora pushing one of their lot over, and once again they have a penalty. No fuss, no muss 3-0.

Everyone is playing shit and as I can see no way back into the match I don’t even bother to go into the dressing room at half time, the side comes out for the second half, unchanged and more than a little confused. All we can muster is a long-range shot which misses by a country mile. Ichi the Killer threatens to lose it and get sent off again, but manages to reign in his mania after stern words from the ref. With an hour gone I figure I might as well give some of the retards on the bench a run out. Lino’s Assistant comes on for Cheap Copy who has reached new depths in terms of poor performance, Work Experience also comes on for Super Lev who has been almost, but not quite, as bad. The subs have some impact. We get a consolation goal with 15 minutes to go, this time we are the ones scoring from a corner as Work Experience turns in Passive Resistance’s cross with a deft near post header. Even though there is 15 minutes to go it is little more than a consolation as we struggle to put anything that might pass as an attack together during the remainder of the match.

FT 3-1 – we were crap, their centre-back got MotM. Bah!

Spirits are raised a little when we find out that Baltimora has come 3rd in the goal of the month thanks to his goal against the Kharkivian gooners, that’s the silver lining I guess. As the next update will take us up to the mid-season break and I should have access to my broadband again I’ll put some screens of the squad, the table etc up then. Until then, Vive la Systemistance!

[niko_cee]

As we are winding down to the winter break it’s time to get through things as quickly as possible and then get indoors and stay indoors for the hibernation period. So, with that in mind, let’s do-it-to-it, GR that is. First up, a seemingly winnable home game . . .

FC Systema v Stal Alchevsk – Ukrainian First League

They are 4 points behind and 4 places below us in the league so confidence is not totally absent in the dressing room before the game. It’s the same side as last time out, whatever that was. No wind, ‘tis a bit cold and 658 people are milling in and around the pitch area – that counts for attendance figures!

After a slow start to the game Super Lev decides to spice things up by putting in a bad challenge for which he is booked. As far as points of interest this, unfortunately is the high point of the half. Operation Human Shield continues to go down in my estimation, the greedy little bastard, on the quarter hour – after getting the better of his man he shoots very waywardly from miles out when better options were available. So far as the rest of the half is concerned, they had a shot that went over on the half hour and then put a volley over just before the break – neither chance was particularly presentable. Whilst things aren’t particularly exciting the team is playing ok so no changes are needed at half time.

Remarkably the second half is even less interesting than the first and literally nothing of note happens at all in the first 20 minutes. Some changes are needed, Lino’s Assistant and Capitalist Pigdog(yes, we are that short) come on for Cheap Copy and Dusky Brown Lemur. The immediate impact is somewhat undesired. Here it comes. Yes, they win a corner. And the rest, as they say, is history. Near post, header glanced in 0-1. After that brief flurry of action it’s back to ‘nothing doing missy’ mode and the game looks to be drawing towards a deeply unsatisfying conclusion. Hopes are raised, and swiftly dashed in the last minute when both Super Lev and Crazy Ivan can’t hit the target when they get chances, the latter missing a very presentable 1-on-1. Pish-posh.

FT 0-1 – Passive Resistance was really, super, extra shit. We couldn’t hit the target during the game and so we got what we deserved. Their DC got MotM. In the post-match analysis it seems Passive Resistance has slightly done his knee, he’ll be out for a week, boo-hoo.

Much to my surprise Incognito returns, reporting that he has concluded his search of Russia, the biggest country on Earth having found a grand total of 3 players, only one of whom is even remotely appealing and he’s a Tajik. To punishment this ineptitude I post him off to the frozen north almost immediately. And he thought it was cold here. Apparently it is scout come home season as a day or two later in rolls Judge & Jury. Fair do’s, he’s done a much better job, but whilst he has unearthed a number of possible targets and even though I have most of my alleged transfer budget left and we’re below the wage limit I hold off as we are shipping money at an alarming rate – we’ll be in the red by the end of the season – best not to pick at an open wound then. Having transferred the more interesting players onto my watch list I give Judge & Jury a bus ticket to his next target area – Poland – he is surprisingly pleased – it turns out he subscribes to a particular website that has the word ‘polish’ in its name. I have all this time on my hands as we are in another cup week, the non-leaguers who did us are eventually knocked out after extra-time by a mid-table high league club. All very interesting, back to business.

Krasyliv-Obolon v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

They are just outside the relegation zone, but, to be honest, after the last game, I’m making no predictions based on league standings. Mesmerino’s back in, Dusky Brown Lemur out and Radioactive Defect 38 comes in for Passive Resistance. The facilities are quite homely, a lot like the SportComplex, with only 672 in to watch.

They get the better of the early exchanges, shooting wide on 8 minutes, it was a decent chance. 20 minutes slip by before we do anything too stupid, then, just before the half hour Cardiac Arrest loses it and starts fleeing the ball – yes, he just ran away from it – they got in but Geriatric Taipan saves our bacon with a good, err, save. They continue to mount intermittent attacks until we finally manage to do something attacking in the 31st minute, Ichi the Killer surges through their midfield and defence only to put his effort very, very wide when he was clear in on goal – it may be hard to imagine, but shooting from 12 yards, he missed by at least 15. We’re quickly back under the cosh again and after missing another good chance Geriatric Taipan decides to continue with his opposing strikers outreach programme and presents them with a great chance which is quite tragically missed – it’s the stuff of dreams, bad, bad, repressed youth dreams. Me manage to limp in at the break still with things all square.

It’s a veritable cornucopia of turdburgling performances, the leader of the gang being so-called star man Crazy Ivan, but I don’t bother changing anything as to do so would merely be cutting off the nose to spite the face, I mean, the Borodyanka bench, just imagine what lives on there. *shudders*

Being late coming out after the break obviously pisses the ref off and he starts giving loads of decisions against us, bostord. After 55 minutes we look to be in a bit of the old stool as they get clear in again, the shot is crashed against the post before anyone realises that a small toad-like creature is madly waving a flag about on the touchline. Offside. Just as I decide to make some subs, distracted by the chap with the boards who’s from Ca-na-da and they say he’s a little bit slow eh. Distracted, I miss what transpires to be a crucial moment. In comes a cross, they win a header, it deflects over the ever increasingly inept Radioactive Defect 38, oh look daddy, it’s his first ever goal for the club, 1-0, natch. And here comes the subs, Raining Rope, Dusky Brown Lemur and Hunger Strike on for Crazy Ivan, Mesmerino and Radioactive Defect 38. Look, I didn’t tell them where they were meant to be playing, I’m extending you the same courtesy. My faith is instantly rewarded, Hunger Strike inexplicably ducks under a high ball, they get in on goal but miss again. After they have another chance an odd thing happens. Operation Human Shield manages to get a shot on target. Clearly startled, the keeper nearly let it in, but he didn’t. Just 10 minutes left and we’re still in the brown stuff. My subs further punish me, this time it’s Dusky Brown Lemur not content with missing just one good chance, shooting straight at the keeper from 10 yards out, he then proceeds to miss the sodding rebound that their keeper had so generously offered. Not amused. All we can muster is a freekick which Baltimora misses by a country, nay a continent, mile – it was almost as bad as that was confusing. I’m pulling some heavy reverse Gs, I think I’m having a red out.

FT 1-0 – their keeper got MotM and I’m generally a bit pissed, no it has nothing to do with that empty bottle of scotch in my room mother. To make matters worse it seems Ichi the Killer has strained something in his leg joint and he’s out for a week. No time to think, it’s another game, they’re coming thick and fast now, quiet you, that’s disgusting.

FC Systema v Karpaty 2 – Ukrainian First League

Don’t be put off by their animal faeces sounding like name or the fact that they are effectively a team of rejects, I mean, what do you think we are? What should really sway you is the fact that they look really shit and 633 locals turn out to see if we can win a game for once. Raining Rope is in for the injured Ichi the Killer and Cone-tract Killer returns to sure up our defence, out goes Radioactive Defect 38.

The slow start to the game is forgotten on 12 minutes as the home crowd are treated to a feat of footballing excellence care of Baltimora’s boot. From the right Super Lev laid the ball into Baltimora in space, 35 yards out he arrows it into the top bag, the keeper was motionless, 1-0! He’s obviously let it go to his head as for the next 15 minutes we are treated to a showcase in useless long range shooting courtesy of the goal scorer, he’ll grow out of it, ok, he won’t. Aside from Crazy Ivan missing the target from 12 yards out in the 36th minute Baltimora’s shooting is the only thing of interest in the first half. A pretty average performance all round so far, apart from Baltimora who’s had a good first half.

We continue to dominate things at the start of the second half and there is uproar on the bench and in the stands as one of theirs goes right through Crazy Ivan with a nasty looking 2-footer, it’s what all the ladies say. Only a booking and the freekick is ballooned impotently into the arms of their keeper, unsatisfying. Operation Human Shield returns from his on-target shooting hiatus after 54 minutes, he puts a shot over when Crazy Ivan was unmarked in the middle and clearly the better option – I give you the world’s greediest and approaching most useless winger. More pressure from us, 65 minutes in and Baltimora’s miscued shot turns out to be a good pass to Crazy Ivan but his shot is saved and his attempted lob on the rebound is best left unmentioned. They have a chance a minute later, but good pressure from Cone-tract Killer forces the shot wide. It seems they have switched to a more attacking tictac, which obviously means they at once get loads of great chances, they miss another good one on 74 minutes. Seconds later with 15 minutes to go we consolidate our position. A long hump up field by Geriatric Taipan is flicked on by Cheap Copy to Crazy Ivan, he potters about on the left wing a bit before spotting the run of Cheap Copy, great ball in, totally unmarked, slots it past the keeper for 2-0. I decide to give Dusky Brown Lemur a run out, as soon as he comes on the life is sucked out of the game and we saunter to a comfortable win.

FT 2-0 – Baltimora takes MotM with a very good performance and the rest of the team played all right as well. Keep this up and it’ll be new mittens all round to see us through the winter months. No sooner had we recovered from the night before it was time for another game, at least this one was at home too so no unwanted and potentially hazardous travelling.

FC Systema v Mykolaiv

As we played so well last time out it’s the same starting XI, Ichi the Killer returns to the bench after recovering from his leg difficulty. For the moment I’ve given up looking at the opposition before the game, it generally just gets me down and I’d rather be lazy than depressed.

It’s too cold for warm ups, so the first 10 minutes are spent compensating for this, lots of aimless running, milling about with the ball featuring in only a very minor, supporting role. We obviously are first to hit operational levels and take advantage of the fact after just 15 minutes. Super Lev with a throw in to Operation Human Shield on the right, away from his man and a good cross to Crazy Ivan, his first touch takes him beyond his marker and the finish is as cool as you like across the keeper into the bottom left 1-0. It’s end-to-end stuff with neither defence doing a vaguely passable job. After 23 minutes we are more exposed than usual, their right-winger is in acres, plenty of time to pick out a good ball right onto the striker’s bonce, it takes a good save from Geriatric Taipan to stop the header. His subsequent clearance puts Crazy Ivan through on goal, from inside his own half, I told you the defences were questionable, he really has no pace and is forced wide. However, he pulls out another great cross, once again picking out Cheap Copy but this time the finish isn’t there. Alas. They put a shot over on the half hour, a couple of minutes later it’s Operation Human Shield’s turn to waste a good opening. Clear in down the right after a good ball from Baltimora, his shot, well, what can I say, do you really think he managed to hit the target? 5 minutes before the break Iron Curtain is tragically at fault, allowing their right-winger in again, fortunately his cross-shot type attempt was good on neither front. Redemption for Iron Curtain a moment later, a great pass puts Crazy Ivan through, horribly exposing his abject lack of pace again, he manages to get a shot off, but it is weak. ON the stroke of half time they get a corner. What follows is obvious, back post, no challenge, 1-1. The complexion of the half time team talk changes.

The idea of keeping Raining Rope in the side on the basis that he had a good game last time out is fundamentally ill-conceived, I mean, 1 good performance was a surprise, 2 in a row? Not forking likely. Ichi the Killer comes on. Work Experience also makes a return as Super Lev is also playing maliciously poorly.

The first event of note in the second half is the second booking for their centre-back, off he goes just shy of the hour. This doesn’t seem to negatively impact upon their general performance and for a bit they look the better side, much to my annoyance. Indeed, they nearly sneak in front on 65 minutes after one of their stealthier players managed to coast in unattended at the back post off a set piece and, in truth, his failure to score was laughable. A-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Sorry. They are punished soon after, Mesmerino putting Crazy Ivan clear, continuing to display his impressive pace, his shot is parried but Mesmerino is first to the rebound and he manages to hit the target, ok it was an open goal from 10 yards out, but I’ve seen them missed before, and it’s 2-1. 71 minutes, this time Crazy Ivan puts Mesmerino clear with a good flick-on, this time it’s Mesmerino’s chance to display his dazzling running and shooting skills. So, moving on 4 minutes later Crazy Ivan misses another chance, this time, in fairness, it takes an unbelievable save by their keeper to keep us out. Crazy Ivan goes on to have good opportunities on 82, 88 and 92 minutes. Each time his pace and finishing ability failed him more acutely.

FT 2-1 – both the strikers were outstanding, even if they couldn’t finish for shit, with Crazy Ivan just pipping Mesmerino to MotM. Their keeper also played really well. It seems Iron Curtain has reached the limit for yellow cards and is suspended for the next game.

I start to seriously distrust Incognito. Sent to the frozen north, to Scandinavia, he reports back about a veteran Paraguayan who has never left South America. All very confusing. This chap looks class though so I offer him a contract. Relocate to the eastern Ukraine? He chose to go to some Chilean club who also offered him double the money I put on the table. No great surprise. I’ll have to dwell on this on the bus as we are off on the road for the final game before the winter break.

Nyva Vinnytsya v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

Good fucking job this is the last game for a while as we have to play this game in what is best described as a blizzard, -3, snow, and gale-force wind. Mice. As we took a right beasting from this lot at home, but managed to escape with a fortunate draw my expectations are not too high. Ichi the Killer starts and Raining Rope is out of the squad, at least this is my intention, oh the mystery. Work Experience also starts as Iron Curtain is suspended.

5 minutes, they go clear and score, but we are reprieved by the linesman. They put a freekick into the side netting a few minutes later. Our luck runs out on 18 minutes, Work Experience is caught out, Cardiac Arrest is hopelessly out of position and Geriatric Taipan is beaten at his near post 1-0. The onslaught continues, Geriatric Taipan being forced into a good save on 20 minutes. They put freekicks just over and into the side netting before the half hour and it’s all looking unpleasantly ominous. Just as all hope seemed to have abandoned us, a miracle. A poor goal kick, Operation Human Shield picks up the ball, beats his man, he shoots from a wide position, has he skied it again? It looks to be going up, but what’s this? Vicious dip, the keeper is stranded and the ball floats unstoppably, defiantly into the far corner! The angel chorus can be hear exalting, ha-lle-lujah! ha-lle-lujah! hallelujah! hallelujah! Ha-lle-e-lujah! 1-1 We hit half time all square, no one can quite believe it.

Not letting things get out of hand, Work Experience simply has to be replaced as he has been just awful, on comes Unbreakable Union. Nothing happens for half an hour. And here’s where the mystery gets solved. It turns out Ichi the Killer has not, in fact, been playing. Oh no. He’s only on the bench and somehow Jumping Jack Shit has wheedled his way into the side, and now he’s injured, he’s fucked his groin, but as there are no games for months it’s no biggy. It’s just all so confusing. The last 10 minutes are real Alamo moments. There are lots of offsides and altogether too much injury time. In the face of such tremendous obstacles as these, coupled with our manifest inadequacy in footballing terms, the fact that we get away with a point is miraculous. The fact that Operation Human Shield scored is nothing short of divine intervention.

FT 1-1 – Geriatric Taipan got MotM, whoo-yeah!

I leave you for now with some images of the mid-season situation . . .

It's definitely time for a winter break.

http://img53.exs.cx/img53/2039/Timeforthewinterbreak.jpg

Here's the league table just over half-way through, not too shabby.

http://img53.exs.cx/img53/9610/winterbreakleaguetable.jpg

And here's the squad . . .

http://img53.exs.cx/img53/7823/wintersquad1.jpg
http://img20.exs.cx/img20/1822/wintersquad2.jpg

[niko_cee]

“Long time no see Vitaly!” a shrill voice pierces the freezing air as I attempt to sneak into the office, it’s only the blood chairman . . .

“ Just nipping in to see if I left my address book in the office, you know, contacts to be made, players to be enquired about.” My real intention was to note down the company credit card details to finance an internet shopping spree, amazingly play deliver to the Ukraine, music to my ears.

“OK then, could you just pop into my office on your way out. We need to have a little chat.”

Sounded ominous, but I guess it had to be done, defrauding information safely in hand I dropped in to the Chairman’s office to see what all this mystery was about.

“So Vitaly, what have you been doing with yourself? Any plans for the winter?”

“To be perfectly honest Mr Chairman, my intentions are simple. I intend to go home. I intend to get my hands on copies of PES4 and GTA San Andreas and I intend to spend the next 3 months within the confines of my house. With the transfer window opening in February I’ve got sweet FA to do until then. How does that sound?”

“Very good Vitaly, always the joker you. I shall see you in the New Year, I am going on holiday until March.

I thought about asking where, but couldn’t be arsed. Time for several months of unsupervised indolence. Some things happen in the football world. You really want to know? Fine. In the Euro playoffs there are some interesting results. Scotland beat the Czech Rep 5-3 on aggregate, Serbia did Hungary 8-2 and, most amusingly, Greece rile the old enemy with 2 3-1 wins, putting Turkey out 6-2. In other news, both Dinamo Kiev and Shakhtar Donetsk both top their CL groups, ahead of Manure and The Arse respectively. Conclusively proving that Ukrainian football is better than Premiership nonsense. Dnipro also continue to fly the flag in the WAFER. Porto win the IC Cup thingamajig, who cares. Otherwise, not much happens.

January means awards. I would spare your eyes by not naming names, but the results were a little extraordinary. Manure did amazingly well. Horseface nabs World Footballer of the Year. OK. European Footballer of the Year went to the camel-like central defender Addicted to Amnesia. Acceptable so far. A few more gongs, European positional things to goalkeeper Sorry, it’s the Tourrette’s and Irish Defender Sounds Like Hay. But here’s the real shocker. World Player of the Year goes to none other than The Scurrier, yes, the elder brother fullback with facial hair like an infant Hitler. Unbelievable. So there it is, 5 of the major awards to Manure players . . .

The transfer window opens. Having no money, in fact we officially went into the red towards the end of last year, and no pulling power at all makes this event rather obsolete. I am not in the least bit helped by my astonishing stupid scouts. Don’t believe me? Here’s the kind of shit I have to put up with from them . . .

http://img70.exs.cx/img70/3333/ScoutingIdiocy.jpg

http://img81.exs.cx/img81/280/Scoutingidiocy2.jpg

So no signings and to make matters worse we also have injuries that will eat into the restart. Victor Sodyouraincoat will miss the first couple of weeks with a damaged shouldber, as will Mesmerino who is still recovering from some Christmas excesses which resulted in a badly torn groin. I’ll say no more. In the run up to our first game back the same fate befalls Work Experience so he’ll be out for 3 months, he probably won’t grace the SportComplex again, what with him being a loaner and all.

So first game back, I didn’t much feel like playing it, but strap yourselves in as it’s a bit of a cracker . . .

Dinamo Kiev 2 v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

Back with an easy one then. At least it’s not freezing cold. Some deep thinking over the winter break has led me to make some changes. Our one good player, Ichi the Killer moves out of midfield into the attacking libero role behind the front 2 with Baltimora taking on a few more defensive responsibilities. That is all. So the starting XI is; Geriatric Taipan, Super Lev, Iron Curtain, Cardiac Arrest, Cone-tract Killer, Operation Human Shield, Baltimora, Snake in the Grass, Ichi the Killer, Crazy Ivan, Dusky Brown Lemur. 1302 turn out to see the resumption of hostilities.

Our new attacking style pays dividends straight away as we quickly put them on the back foot, with the elusive Ichi the Killer finding a good deal of space between their defence and midfield. After only 2 minutes he gets an opening, but can only squeeze the shot past the near post from the top right of the box. A few minutes later another decent chance comes by way of a corner. Snake in the Grass picked out Operation Human Shield on the edge of the D, a good first touch created a shooting opportunity, but, true to form, he can only shoot wildly over the bar. Things settle down a little as the game develops into a midfield scrap. We are back on the attack after 22 minutes, and it seems that another good chance has gone begging when Crazy Ivan over hits a relatively easy through ball after Ichi the Killer had got beyond his marker. However, things take a turn for the better when their keeper fluffs the clearance, Cardiac Arrest wins a header in the centre-circle which serves to put the still unmarked Ichi the Killer in the clear. Not wanting to waste another chance he swiftly deposits the ball into the top corner 0-1. Whilst we have been doing most of the attacking, we are reminded not to get too complacent on the half hour when indecision between Cardiac Arrest and Geriatric Taipan gives their striker a clear shot at goal – fortunately he hits the crossbar and Cone-tract Killer arrives in time to abate the danger. The end to end nature of the game continues when only moments later Crazy Ivan spurns a great chance, a free header from 6 yards after a good cross from Dusky Brown Lemur – the header was strong, but was too close to the keeper who was able to parry it away for a corner. Nothing came of the corner. As the clock ticked towards half time the signal obviously went out, this was not the time for us to coast into half time, it was time to hit the overdrive and finish these bastards. Brace yourselves. A long ball from Super Lev finds Crazy Ivan in the inside left channel, he flicks the ball deftly inside to the surging Ichi the Killer who is still finding a lot of space in between their 2 centre backs, he takes the ball on with a good first touch and rifles the ball into the net for 0-2. Still not content, we are immediately back on the attack again. Baltimora breaking the play up in midfield, releasing Ichi the Killer away down the left, his cross finds Crazy Ivan unmarked at the back stick and this time his header both evades the keeper and hits the target [n]0-3[/b]. Before the break there is still time for Baltimora to have a freekick saved. Talk about hit the ground running.

For the first time I can remember the game looks to be won at half time, famous last words perhaps. Obviously no changes are necessary, which is good as the bench is even more thread bare than the first team. Carry on.

The second half starts at a more controlled pace, and nothing much really happens for the first 15 minutes. The first incident of note occurs just before the hour when Crazy Ivan sees another header saved, a chance created by a good freekick from Baltimora. Just a minute later Ichi the Killer fails to convert on a great chance that would have given him the hat-trick, put clear by Operation Human Shield his effort is parried away by their keeper. The 68th minute sees yet another wayward shot from Operation Human Shield. With 15 minutes left the strike force combine well again, Ichi the Killer putting Crazy Ivan so clear that even his abject lack of pace cannot compromise the position, he runs in on goal an slaps the ball past the keeper with aplomb. So, cruise control has been well and truly engaged now, but wait, there are more fireworks yet to come. Just 2 minutes later they get one back, after Geriatric Taipan had made a great save from their striker who had got 1-on-1, we go to sleep at the resulting corner and they nip the now mandatory near post header we have to concede every game 1-4. Ho-hum. I start to become a little concerned on 81 minutes as they get another one back, converting an opening from the right wing, where we had an alarming lack of defence 2-4. We quickly re-establish the 3 goal cushion, as they throw more an more men forward, even more spaces open up for our attacking triumvirate and this time, after going clear, Ichi the Killer seals his hat-trick with a cool finish 2-5. Just another minute goes by before the ball is in the net again, our net that is, but fortunately the linesman is waving his flag and it is chalked off for offside. There is still time for them to score again, a definite consolation on this time, a header deep into stoppage time which made it 3-5. Phew.

FT 3-5 – unsurprisingly MotM goes to hat-trick hero Ichi the Killer. Both Crazy Ivan and Baltimora also turn in good performances. Well, that was a change of pace. As we didn’t bother with any warm-up games, and I made no substitutions, oops, all of the players are frightfully knackered.

In other news, both Dinamo and Shakhtar get through to the quarters in the LAC, at the expense of Porto and FC Copenhagen respectively. In the WAFER Dnipro fall foul of Ajax – losing 5-4 on aggregate – putting on a good show though.

Well, that’s it for now Mr Chairman, I know you thought it was a joke when I said it, but I really do mean to be spending most of my time on my PS2, so, to quote Vera Lynne – We’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when, but I know we’ll meet again some sunny . . . err, well, some day, let’s leave it at that.

[Arnie] GOODNIGHT! [/Pie]

Sweet dreams are made of these . . .
<Dump him Marge, he’s a loser>
. . . I’ve travelled the world and seven seas,
I AM WATCHING YOU THROUGH A CAMERA!

[niko_cee]

Back from holiday, and back into the thick of it straight away – our lack of any pre-next-season-segment training has resulted in an unfit squad. Lots of whiners, or should that be winos, in the dressing room before our first home game back, against our closest rivals in the league.

FC Systema v Spartak Ivano-Frankivsk – Ukrainian First League

The SportComplex is looking particularly resplendent in the crisp spring air and 669 of Borodyanka’s finest have turned out to see their boys grace the hallowed mud and frost-damaged turf of the legendary SportComplex for the first time this year. The same side is kept after the convincing-ish performance we put in last time out.

We are on the offensive from the very first minute, good play from Snake in the Grass and Operation Human Shield creates space for Baltimora to bend one of his trademark conversions miles over the bar. The same procedure is followed a few minutes later after we win a freekick within what Baltimora terms ‘shooting range’. Our early possession doesn’t pay any dividends though as they hold firm. Baltimora is once again threatening the burger stand behind the goal with another 25 yard special on 20 minutes. We continue to run up against their defence, Ichi the Killer going close after 26 minutes, after beating his man he could only shoot straight at the keeper from 15 yards. Their first attack comes on 42 minutes, a header from a good cross from the left, but Geriatric Taipan manages to save with relative ease. It looks like we are drifting towards a half-time stalemate, but then things take a turn for the reverse-worse. An innocuous looking long ball from Cone-tract Killer turns out to be a great pass when their idiotic centreback ducks under it, Ichi the Killer sneaks in behind him and beats the keeper for 1-0. Straight from the kick-off we put the pressure back on, nick possession, Snake in the Grass, Baltimora and Ichi the Killer combine well to release Crazy Ivan and he beats the keeper with an audacious lob from the edge of the box 2-0. It’s almost 3 as their implausibly high defensive line goes to pieces again, Dusky Brown Lemur’s cross finds Crazy Ivan but his header goes wide.

They start taking a more direct approach and get an opening a few minutes after the restart, a headed chance from a long ball drifting just over. The game is much less interesting to watch as we sit back defending our lead and try hitting them on the break when we can – with the kind of pace we boast up front, this is a frankly futile policy. We get it together just after the hour Snake in the Grass, Baltimora and Dusky Brown Lemur embarking in some delightful one touch football, creating a chance for Ichi the Killer, but his shot is weak and is easily saved. Moments later, after 68 minutes, our lead is halved, pressure down the left, a right loopy cross which Geriatric Taipan should have dealt with, but their striker stole in at the near post, escaping the attention of the dizzyingly vacant Cardiac Arrest and headed the ball into the net 2-1. Soon after Capitalist Pigdog comes on for Dusky Brown Lemur and then Geriatric Taipan picks up a knock and has to be replaced by Minute Man. With 15 minutes left we launch a stinging counter attack, Baltimora finding Ichi the Killer in space, he has time to pick out a neat pass to put Crazy Ivan clear, but his finish is wild. Late on, piling on the pressure to get an equaliser, they squander a few good chances and with the last attack of the game Operation Human Shield fails to pick out either of the unmarked strikers after being put clear down the right flank by Ichi the Killer.

FT 2-1 – MotM to the effervescent Ichi the Killer, Crazy Ivan also played well. It seems a booking picked up in the game has netted Operation Human Shield a one game ban and Baltimora has done his shoulder and will be out of action for about a week.

So, the week was ticking by nice and quietly and then I was informed that Ichi the Killer had dislocated his jaw and would, as a result, be out for about a month, arsecandlesh! On the upside, Mesmerino returns from his lengthy spell out of action. Back on the road we go.

Spartak-Gorobyna v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

Suffering a mini-crisis in midfield, there needed to be a small overhaul. With Baltimora and Ichi the Killer out injured and Operation Human Shield suspended, it was starting places for Raining Rope, Jumping Jack Shit and Lino’s Assistant with the unfit Mesmerino on the bench. Another healthy crowd at another decent stadium, 2035 this time, words will need to be had vis-à-vis the SportComplex.

It was a cagey start, with neither side creating too much and my new attacking style seemingly stifled by their destructive tictacs. It wasn’t until 25 minutes until something meaningful happened, a sneaky freekick from them, taken, I’m sure, whilst people weren’t watching, led to a shooting opportunity from the top of the box – Geriatric Taipan parried well and Iron Curtain reacted first to clear the danger. We had our first chance on 31 minutes, a header from Crazy Ivan after a long ball from Cone-tract Killer and a flick-on from Jumping Jack Shit. And as far as moments of interest, that was that for the first half.

The second half seemed like more of the same, until we earned ourselves a tasty looking freekick on the edge of the box, just to the right of the D. Without Baltimora to ‘convert it’ as usual the honour fell upon Crazy Ivan to take it. He did not shirk the burden, stepped up, over the wall, under the bar, a haircut special right into the top corner. They created another opening for themselves on the hour, a diagonal through-ball from the left wing, but the striker could only shoot straight at Geriatric Taipan. Time for some changes, the abject Lino’s Assistant making way for Cheap Copy with Mesmerino and Capitalist Pigdog also coming on for Jumping Jack Shit and Dusky Brown Lemur. It doesn’t take long for Mesmerino to make an impact, a good pass from Super Lev gave him the space to shoot from 20 yards, but the keeper saved well. All looks to be going nicely until the 87th minute when Geriatric Taipan loses the plot, surges out of goal, seemingly chasing his own goal kick, only to have it returned with interest by their right back from 40 yards 1-1. Unbelievable. And with that moment of undesired excitement passed, it was time for the game to continue petering out, but this time onto a draw rather than a win.

FT 1-1 – Crazy Ivan got MotM, that’s all. Bah!

Back home and the games are piling up, perhaps the winter break shouldn’t have been so bloody long, we’re all knackered . . .

FC Systema v CSKA Kiev – Ukrainian First League

Operation Human Shield returns, Mesmerino comes into the libero role with Jumping Jack Shit dropping back into the holding midfield role. Our new turnstile groupies manage to haul in some new punters, that’s right, scantily clad young locals. 4 new fans, to be honest, they probably scared more than that off. So the attendance sits at 673 for this game.

Complacency is the buzz word from the outset. Super Lev and Operation Human Shield are in the vanguard, negligently losing possession and allowing a through ball to incise the defence. Geriatric Taipan parried the shot, but the rebound fell to the other striker, 6 yards out, no keeper, presentable angle – goal kick it is then. Making up for his earlier uselessness Operation Human Shield gallivants down the right wing, ducking right, weaving left, leaving enemy defenders in his wake. It’s all going so well, even his cross finds its target and a thunderous header from Crazy Ivan is only kept out by a good save. The game fades in and out, or is that me, of consciousness that is, anyhoos, we go close again on the half hour. A corner whipped in from the left by Snake in the Grass a decent punch from the keeper, but the ball falls to Operation Human Shield on the edge of the box, he strikes a sweet volley, but it’s just too high – the story of his life. It’s same old, same old soon after. The 40th minutes sees another misdirected shot from Operation Human Shield and his trickery in injury time is sadly wasted by his decision to shoot rather than pass. Ball. Out. Of. Stadium.

So, the first half was pretty dull, the second was much worse. They had a chance after about 64 minutes, a sneaky header from a humped freekick, fortunately it went straight at Geriatric Taipan. Quite literally, nothing happens for the next 20 minutes, and then a moment of tension. Crazy Ivan receives a pass from Jumping Jack Shit, he runs at his man, a leg is left hanging, he falls over, was he tripped, did he dive, who cares, the ref is pointing at the spot. Up steps the resurgent Crazy Ivan, the pressure is on, this is his chance to nab all 3 points. Bosh! Straight down the middle, straight past the keeper and it’s 1-0 right at the death. Huzzah! And that, as they say, is that.

FT 1-0 – MotM goes to goalscorer Crazy Ivan, in a pretty poor game he played well, as did Geriatric Taipan. <insert small jig here>

After that flurry of games it’s time for some well earned rest, a 10 day break, plenty of time to pick up some abstract training-related injuries. Yep, there’s one, Mesmerino’s done his shoulder, that’ll be a 3 week lay-off. Of more interest, I get a job offer. Unfortunately, it’s from a team half-way down this division, and well below the might mutants of Borodyanka. How could I abandon the club I love so much? Especially when the money wasn’t right . . .

Zorya Lugansk v FC Systema – Ukrainian First League

I make a tragic mistake in the preparation for this game. I look at the league table, see them languishing somewhere near the relegation zone and think to may self, no Louis not now, ‘this lot will be a pushover’. Damn jinx! By the by, long time no see Victor Sodyouraincoat returns up front, displacing Dusky Brown Lemur into the injury blighted libero role.

They start stronger than we do, with their first real chance coming on 11 minutes, a shot that stings Geriatric Taipan’s hands, aghast, it’s a corner. But what’s this? We successfully defend it. What what what!?! Oh piss off Shiela! We do it again, defend another corner that is, a few minutes later. I think I need to sit down. 19 minutes, and now, let’s have a musical interlude . . .

(to the tune of ‘London Bridge is falling down’)

Operation Human Shield,
Human Shield,
Human Shield,
Operation Human Shield,
Runs down the wing.

Sometimes he might try a cross,
Try a cross,
Try a cross,
Sometimes he might try a cross,
It won’t get there.

Should it reach the target man,
Target man,
Target man,
Should it reach the target man,
He’ll miss the chance.

Not this time boyo! Oh no, the cross finds Dusky Brown Lemur and he unleashes an unstoppable volley that sears passed the keeper into the old onion bag 0-1. Long range efforts are traded around the 25th minute, Victor Sodyouraincoat forcing a good save from their keeper and Geriatric Taipan pulling off a good one for us. Ugh. Just before the half hour we are pegged back. A good pass cutting our static defence into pices and a viscious shot across the sprawling Geriatric Taipan into the far top corner 1-1. From here on in, for a while at least, we were under heavy pressure. Shots from the left, shots from the right, shots from in front, bravely into the valley of death, sorry, sidetracked there. A couple of freekicks, a couple of peppery shots, nothing troubling Geriatric Taipan particularly. We almost sneak a goal just before the break, Baltimora finding Dusky Brown Lemur with a good pass, he dives inside his man, but can only shoot wide of the target.

Looks like Crazy Ivan is having a bit of a shocker. Like I’m going to take our leading goalscorer off, sheesh.

Back into the action, and we are straight out of the traps, oh yes, Super Lev and Cone-tract Killer getting themselves into a terrible pickle, a bit like one of those gherkins you get in your Maccy Ds, allowing their striker a free shot – he puts it over. Under the cosh for ages, time for a sickening counter attack, and here it comes. A throw in on the left, they don’t seem to be paying attention, Snake in the Grass is given far too much space, you know, you’ve all done it on PES4, those throw-ins near the box, so time and space, but it’s a pretty poor ball in. Limp is the best word, but as it trickles towards the penalty spot, it’s hesitancy all round from them, defenders looking on, aghast as the keeper bottles it and stays in his line, leaving the sprightly Dusky Brown Lemur free to steal in and poke the ball past the statuesque keepr 1-2. Teehee. He almost gets a trick a few minutes later, but his tap-in is chalked off after it transpires that the crosser Victor Sodyouraincoat was offside. The game seems to have totally turned, and now we’re in charge, creating chances left right, and centre – the next one falling to Victor Sodyouraincoat whose good shot was parried, Crazy Ivan gets onto the rebound, but is denied by another great, albeit flailing, stop. So, all is going well. Time for Geriatric Taipan to go nuts again, yep, that’s right, out he trots, why nobody knows, and again he is left stranded as the ball trickles into the net 2-2. We are denied an immediate repost by Dusky Brown Lemur’s total lack of pace, which thwarted his attempts to run clear when the pass seemed a good one. Chances are traded until the final whistle, but no one can force a save out of either keeper. Oh well, still unbeaten since the resumption.

FT – 2-2 – Dusky Brown Lemur gets the MotM sparkling water, Super Lev also acquitted himself surprisingly well.

So, 10 games out and our unbeaten run has catapulted us into 5th spot, although that may be a little deceptive. Both the top spots are occupied by ‘2’ teams, Dinamo Kiev and Shakhtar, so, assuming they can’t get promoted, we’re effectively 3rd, and with the top 2 going up its all to play for. 5 points off the 3rd place team, who, fate would have it, are our next opponents at fortress SportComplex.

*Cue dramatic drums*

[niko_cee]

There you go, up to date, word tells me that was 22,826 words, and there's still more to come, in time.

[Moomin Chupachup]

this is the one from Grass Roots isn't it?

:thbgrin:

[Davgooner]

My Northampton story was 100,000+ words, so there ;).

Nice work though.

[Iceman]

In two words:

Can't. Be. Arsed.

I lied.

[Iceman]

Actually that sounds harsh. Twas a decent story. I just can't be arsed revising. What took you so long anyway?:thbgrin:

[niko_cee]

Found the file on my comp and the 03/04 disk at a mate's house - it was as if fate was guiding me. Might have to consider finding an even more retarded player than I presently have so I can name him Mr Pumas.

[Iceman]

Found the file on my comp and the 03/04 disk at a mate's house - it was as if fate was guiding me. Might have to consider finding an even more retarded player than I presently have so I can name him Mr Pumas.

You spelt it wrong. :checkit:

[niko_cee]

It was a strange morning for Vitaly, it felt like he had been asleep for an awfully long time. He hadn't, of course, he'd just hit the wood alcohol and powdered mustard a little harder than usual the previous night. No time to reflect, he was already running late, he still hadn't collected the kits from the dry cleaners and it was nearly midday. A whisltestop visit to the office yielded the rather startling fact that today was the last day that the transfer window would be open for Ukrainian clubs, he could have sworn it closed months ago. Oh well, it's not like there was any money to be spent anyway - time to get down to business. Used beermat and pencil in hand he advanced into the heart of darkness in search of players.

FC Systema v Nafkom Academia - Ukrainian First League

It was gusty as ever in Borodyanka, but with the temperature 8 degrees to the non-fatal side of zero 652 fans had been coaxed from their hovels to watch this clash of the relatively overachieving timtams. One enforced change saw Unbreakable Union come in for the suspended Super Lev - with the sour-faced Lino's Assistant promoted to the bench.

Things get off to an inauspicious start when Geriatric Taipan, flumoxed by the swirling wind and it's mischevious effect on a harmless cross, spun face first into the post - fortunately he quickly shakes the knock off. The 11th minute brings the first real action of the game with a syntillating move from back to front, of sorts. Unbreakable Union launched a long ball forward from the left back position, Crazy Ivan won a good header to flick it into the path of the unmarked Victor Sodyouraincoat - he takes the ball in his stride and finishes with his trade mark effort - a shot straight at the keeper. Fortunately for us their keeper makes a right mess of things and can only divert it into the net - 1-0. Route 1 pays further dividends a few minutes later as the same 3 players contrive to create another chance, this time Victor Soyouraincoat can only shoot wildly over the top. Our defence isn't really paying attention a few minutes later when we let their striker get a shot off unchallenged from the top left of the box, but it only troubles the side netting and the incompetent spectators behind the goal. We are straight on the counter, Operation Human Shield finds space in the middle of the pitch and picks out Crazy Ivan on the right flank with a neat pass, in turn he plays a first time slider ruler into Dusky Brown Lemur who accepts the opposing keeper's invitation to score with ease at the near post, no fuss, no muss - 2-0. By the 20th minute we seem to be cruising, Baltimora, advancing from his holding role, meets with no challenge, eventually some one moves towards him, the chap marking trusty marksman Victor Sodyouraincoat that is, the pass is swiftly dispatched and, in a startling break from convention he decides to slot it into the corner for 3-0. It's giddiness all round, the feeling won't last. Moments later some fancy dan one touch stuff from Operation Human Shield, Dusky Brown Lemur and Snake in the Grass unleashes Victor Sodyouraincoat one more time, but he can't complete his hattrick, reverting once more to 'shoot at the keeper' type - Crazy Ivan is also denied the rebound by some sharp defending. On an immediate counter Cardiac Arrest fluffs a simple header and puts their striker away, he can do no better than [Cilla] our Victor from the Ukraine [/mode] and Geriatric Taipan saves with ease before berrating his catatonic defence. More scrappy defending yields them another chance, but the effort goes wide, can't say I was really paying attention. Back to route 1 for us just after the half hour, once again Victor Sodyouraincoat is put clear by a Crazy Ivan flick, but the 2 goals he's scored seem to have gone to his head as he wheels out an embarrassing attempted chip, enough said. Just before the break they get a corner, in it comes, up goes the hand, oh it's one of our chaps, Cardiac Arrest to be precise, and the ref points to the spot. Geriatric Taipan elects for the stationary approach as their stiker passes the ball into the corner, neato - 3-1

Everyone's playing alright, except Cardiac Arrest, who's having a shocker. Looking at the bench I make the fateful decision not to sub him.

A high tempo start to the 2nd half sees one of their players picking up a couple of yellows in as many minutes, so off he went, which was nice. At this point our defence assume full suicide mode - led in chief by Cardiac Arrest, but with Iron Curtain in the vanguard. Alone and confused he should have just put it out for a throw, for all I know, that's what he was trying to do - if it was he was out by about 180 degrees. It turned out to be a nice pass to their striker, who, fortunately, no doubt startled to have got the ball from such a piece of cataclysmic incompetence, can only shoot at Geriatric Taipan - a danger free corner ensues. The 67th minute sees Cardiac Arrest's final contribution, unfortunately no substituting is involved. A dinked ball over the top exposes our ludicrously flat and paceless defence, their striker gets onto it but has his shot well saved by Geriatric Taipan. Lamentably this is not where the saga ends. The linesman's having some kind of fit, the ref goes over for a word, it seems there has been some tugging, it's a last man job - so it's another penalty and this time a red card for our good friend Cardiac Arrest. Crazy Ivan is sacrificed for Radioactive Defect 38 who comes as human filler for our leaky defence. The same routine is followed for the pen, Geriatric Taipan stands still and one of their players passes the ball into the corner - 3-2. Retardation continues to spread through the defence and 6 minutes later we're kicking off again on level terms, Cone-tract Killer failed to deal with a high ball and they scored a scrappy Southampton special from 7 yards out - 3-3. We finally start to show some of the form that took us to 3-0 in the 80th minute, with Snake in the Grass setting up Disky Brown Lemur who went for 3 points from the top of the box. Snake in the Grass is again the instigator a few minutes later putting the otherwise dormant Victor Sodyouraincoat clear after theiving the ball off the dim-witted fullback. The finish was standard fayre. Events are almost identically recreated with 5 minutes left on the clock, unfortunately the finish was not one of the divergent factors. They have some pressure but don't really threaten and the 4 minutes of injury time are played out without notable incident.

FT - 3-3 - cracking game for the neutral, because I hear a whole lot of them watch Ukrainian lower league football. Victor Sodyouraincoat picked up the MotM gong with his best performance of the season. Apparently we are unbeaten in 9 now, a record that will have to be defended without either of our starting centrebacks next time out, both of them being suspended for various high crimes and misdemeanours.

[niko_cee]

Right you lot, everyone in the Canyonero, we're off on the road again.

Polissya v FC Systema - Ukrainian First League

With both regular centrebacks suspended it's time for squad depth to shine, in come Passive Resistance and Radioactive Defect 38, ominous. Super Lev also returns after suspension, with Mesmerino on the bench after returning from injury. Recently mended Ichi the Killer sits this one out due to being dangerously unfit.

Things start a little sketchily for us as our unfamiliar defensive pairing struggle to adapt to not being on the bench at such an early point in the game. Things come unstuck on 9 minutes after quite a bit of pressure, their left winger putting one of the strikers away down the left, Super Lev provides minimal resistance, the ball is cut across, both of the replacement killers miss the ball and their other striker sticks it in at the back post - 1-0. 5 minutes later we get a freekick in a fairly promising position, 30 yards out and central, Crazy Ivan somehow gets himself booked for some infraction before stepping up and whistling the ball wide of the right hand upright. Back to boringness until the 28th minute when a long ball causes more problems for us, the goal scorer winning a header and setting up a good chance for one of their lot to sting Geriatric Taipan's fingers, but we manage to see off the danger. A stretcher is required for one of their lot on 36 minutes after coming off worse in a challenge with Iron Curtain - happily we also get a freekick. Operation Human Shield bends it into the box, Baltimora finds space, and an extraordinary first touch, giving him a chance to pop the ball into the top corner to level things up - 1-1. The parity is short lived. A few minutes before half-time they get a corner, it's swung in and their centreback sails in at the near post to score his first ever goal - 2-1. They threaten again from another set piece before the ref calls time on the opening 45 minutes.

Radioactive Defect 38 and Crazy Ivan are playing unspeakably poorly, so they are hauled off to be replaced by Hunger Strike and Mesmerino, who also, may or may not have nabbed the armband off Baltimora.

The ref throws around a few cards and whatnot in an otherwise uninteresting start to the half, the first event of note being a freekick from 25 yards out that they put wide in the 66th minute. We're not really doing much, conceding fouls mostly. One, in the 73rd minute, yields a booking for Baltimora and a decent headed chance which Geriatric Taipan does well to tip around the post. More nothing, we almost go the entire half without threatening, and then along comes a sort of chance in the last minute - after a few corners Baltimora hits Snake in the Grass at the top of the box, his effort is weak, but nearly evades the keeper by way of a nifty deflection, nearly, but not quite. The pressure continues and then the big one comes along. Iron Curtain knocks another overly hopeful long ball through the middle, this time it works, it puts Victor Sodyouraincoat clear, he blitzes it over from 10 yards out. Bof! A few chances for them, a freekick for us and then the whistle.

FT - 2-1 - we weren't too bad, except for the strikers and defenders who were shite. Their scoring defender chap got MotM.

Well, that's the end of the unbeaten run, Baltimora has also managed to get suspended for yellow card accumulation and in another dimensional shifting piece of news I find out the transfer deadline is next week. This is starting to get silly. Once again I contemplate not having any money to spend and simply hope none of the staff injure each other in the course of the week, which, thankfully, they don't.

FC Systema v Metalist - Ukrainian First League

Back at home in front of the loyal 600 or so, the previously suspended defenders return, as does talismanic attacker Ichi the Killer - Dusky Brown Lemur dropping to the bench. Jumping Jack Shit also comes in for Baltimora. The trusty wind cuts through all and sundry as per.

Slow start to this one, not much doing until we contrive a shooting opportnity for Jumping Jack Shit in the 14th minute. Contrive being the operative word, a series of unusually random passes presenting the 'chance' - a shot over the bar from 25 yards out. Whilst we look to be controlling the game there isn't much in the way of cutting edge. We have to wait until the 28th minute before Victor Sodyouraincoat gets to fluff another decent chance after good build up play from Jumping Jack Shit and Ichi the Killer. They threaten briefly on the half hour after Iron Curtain stuffs up a throw in and Victor Sodyouraincoat is privaliged enough to get another chance to bugger up just before the break.

Dullness pervades half time too, as no one is playing either particularly well, or especially badly. Seconds out , round 2. Things become more interesting in a thoroughly undesirable way in the 55th minute. A crossfield ball finds and enemy chap in space on the left wing, he has time to pick out some dick in the middle who heads the ball in - 0-1. Right, time to get back into things. Soon after the restart we work a nice move, Jumping Jack Shit releasing Snake in the Grass down the left, he, in turn feeds it into the unmarked Ichi the Killer and, thankfully, he dispatches the ball into the roof of the net from close range - 1-1. We almost concede again a few minutes later, Geriatric Taipan bundling the ball against the post from a decent header - Cone-tract Killer hoofing the ball caway to clear the danger. Operation Human Shield gets away down the right from a good ball by Super Lev, a good cross finds Snake in the Grass and only an excellent save denies us the lead with 20 to go. That's it as far as happenings go, both sides settling for the point it would seem.

FT - 1-1 - the chap that scored their goal got MotM, the only aspect of the team that really functioned well was the midfield. Luckily the teams around us in the league seem to be making no great effort to punish our indifferent form.

Another week, another transfer deadline, and an injury as well this time - Snake in the Grass picking up a knee injury that will sideline him for about a week, just so long as I Am Lugash! stays away from him. Off we go again, to join battle with the Shakhtar reserve team.

Shakhtar 2 v FC Systema - Ukrainian First League

Baltimora back from suspension, Cheap Copy in for Snake in the Grass. That is all.

Clearly overawed by the crowd our first player to touch the ball is Geriatric Taipan, as he picks it out of the net. 43 seconds in and they've already belted in a cracker from 25 yards - 1-0. Not good. Looks like this could be a long night as they go close again several more times in the first 10 minutes, then, an odd thing happens. We score. Not only that, we score a fucking great goal - some dervish like rehearsed freekick routine that you would imagine to be impossible with this standard of playing fodder. Nevertheless, it happened, and here's how it went down. It was a freekick on the right, Operation Human Shield recieved it short from Crazy Ivan, who then made a b-line for the box. In the meanwhile the ball gets fed in to Victor Sodyouraincoat on the edge of the box, he lays it off first time to Iron Curtain who, in turn, plays an incisive diagonal pass into the path of Crazy Ivan - who has evaded enemy radar to get in round the back. Presented with a chance of glory, he sticks to the plan and cuts it across for Victor Sodyouraincoat to tap in at the back post - 1-1. Sparkling stuff. Still giddy from our great goal we switch off and they miss a slew of chances before going ahead again in the 26th minute, another corner job, this time a back post mugging, this doesn't, however, stop front post man Super Lev from being horribly at fault - 2-1. More battering ensues until we are saved by the ref and get a 15 minute reprieve in the form of half-time.

A series of shockers are being had, Baltimora and Cheap Copy are replaced by Jumping Jack Shit and Mesmerino - Dusky Brown Lemur also comes on for Crazy Ivan as he seems to have taken a knock.

Looks like we might be set for another 45 minutes of misery as they start on the front foor again and force a few good saves from Geriatric Taipan. Things take an unexpected turn for the better on 50 minutes as we pop up with another unlikely equaliser, and another cracker. Freekick right on the edge of the box, central, up steps Ichi the Killer to deposit the ball into the top right corner - 2-2. Straight from the kick off they carve out another good chance, but Geriatric Taipan again does well to parry the chance away for a corner which passes without great incident and it's turning a bit end to end. Just before the hour they return the freekick favour to take the lead again, a carbon copy situation and a similar outcome as the ball ends up in Geriatric Taipan's goal for a third time - 3-2. We miss a glorious chance to equalise in the 65th minute, Ichi the Killer putting a free header wide from 6 yards out. Before I can get fully enraged we're once again back on terms after another quality finish, this time care of Victor Sodyouraincoat - running in on the diagonal from the left wing he let fly from 20 yards and left the keeper gawping with a quite spectacular finish - 3-3. More pressure from them and then a chance for us to actually take the lead. This time it's a far more predictable outcome from a Victor Sodyouraincoat chance, disappointemt. Just like it looks like we might hold out for an extremely unlikely point our hopes are dashed with a few minutes left, botched clearance, straight back over our defenders, 1-on-1 converted - 4-3. With 3 minutes of injury time to play we don't touch the ball again.

FT - 4-3 - another barnstorming game, we really ought to have been shoed, but thanks to their inept keeper it ended up looking quite respectable. MotM to one of theirs.

6 games to go and we're 6th. Hard to tell what the exact situation in the league is with the two reserve sides out in front. 3rd place is gone as well, but only 2 points separate us from 4th, which, feasibly could be a promotion spot. We'll just have to wait and see I guess.